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Post by Neo Queen Serenity on Jun 26, 2009 17:51:39 GMT -5
"You really think so?" Usagi mused. "You know I get so many conflicting opinions on this that sometimes I don't even know my own anymore. And I don't understand how it's possible to feel both happy and sad about this at the same time. To feel like what I've done is right but is making other people hurt. And I resent that I should even have to care about what other people think when it comes to the relationship that I have with him. Does that make me selfish? I feel selfish. But I also worry that I've destroyed the future and everyone's dreams by doing what I've done. At the same time, I truly believe it was the right thing to do, so I couldn't-- wouldn't do anything differently. I just can't believe that the ends justify the means. And I feel like I've killed Chibi-Usa. Like... I've had an abortion before she was even conceived. I've denied her a chance at life. But at the same time, I don't feel like I'd be a good mother if I stayed with her future father now. It doesn't make any sense. I just can't win no matter what. Sometimes I think I should just be totally passive and let life overtake me, then things will turn out as they 'should' be. Surrender to destiny, if that even exists. But passivity is also complicity, sometimes to evil. And that's just not in me."
Usagi glanced at Michiru worriedly, wondering if she'd had enough yet. She felt a bit uncomfortable talking about herself for so long. It seemed a little rude to keep going, but she was only doing what seemed to be okay.
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Kaioh Michiru
Innocent
Senshi of the Deep Sea
Carrying the Protection of the Deep Sea
Posts: 28
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Post by Kaioh Michiru on Jun 26, 2009 18:07:58 GMT -5
Michiru wanted to keep her promise, but the pain she heard in Usagi's voice was too much. It was one thing to ignore it when they were in a war and simply saw things differently, when she was convinced that being swayed by Usagi's hope and pain would end the world. It was a completely different matter now, when the only war was the way it was tearing at Usagi.
She got up and moved over to the younger woman, pulling her out of her own chair and into a hug. "I know I said that I'd just listen, but I think there are some things that you absolutely have to hear."
She cupped Usagi's chin in her hand and tilted her head up to look into her eyes, teal meeting blue. "You are right, Usagi. Your relationship with Mamoru is about you and Mamoru, not about the future, not even about Chibi-Usa. It's about you and Mamoru. And no one else matters on that. Not political consultants, not the senshi, not the future. Just you and Mamoru."
She stopped for a moment to let that sink in. "You have not killed Chibi-Usa. I'm sure Rei or Setsuna would tell you the same thing, but by simply coming to the past, Chibi-Usa changed the future. And perhaps you may still have her, or perhaps you won't. Don't let that taint your memories of her, and don't let her memories taint your own future."
"I had said I would not pass judgment one way or the other, but after hearing you I know you need to hear this. I'm proud of you, Usagi. A relationship can't be based on other people's expectations or past lives. And it definitely can't be based on destiny. If you chose to get back together with Mamoru, it will be for all the right reasons. You will know yourself better. You'll know him better. And you'll know that you're together not because someone said that you're supposed to be, but because it's what's right for you and for him. And if you don't, then the world will keep spinning, the fullness of Crystal Tokyo will still happen."
She kissed her forehead, "And the mixed feelings are normal. Haruka and I never told you what happened when we left for a while after the Death Phantom, but we went through something very similar. We had to know we weren't together because of our past or destiny. And it was difficult, hurt so very much, but I also felt peace for the first time since I'd awoken as Neptune."
"I know it's difficult, but I'm so very proud of you."
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Post by Neo Queen Serenity on Jun 27, 2009 1:09:09 GMT -5
Usagi fell silent, relishing the physical closeness that Michiru drew her into. It just felt so comforting, and very maternal, at a time when she dearly missed her own mother's comfort.
"Not even the senshi..." she repeated slowly, looking aside for a moment in thought. "Hotaru... Hotaru told me that our love was the bond that held the senshi together. She was very upset about the loss of Chibi-Usa." She couldn't help but take it personally. "I said that Mamoru was pretty much my whole life. The senshi are the rest of it. The idea that removing myself from one part-- Mamoru-- only makes the other suffer, I..." Usagi swallowed, unable to finish the sentence.
She managed to smile at Michiru's next words. "Thank you, I did need to hear that. To know that someone else, and not just someone else but someone whom I love and trust and admire so very much, agrees with me that 'destiny' is not enough. And that Crystal Tokyo isn't going to fall apart just because I chose to leave him. I think... people's understanding of the future we saw has been in absolutes. Unless it absolutely looks like what we thought we saw, it will be the apocalypse. And I just... I don't think that's the case."
She looked at Michiru in awe as the other woman said that she and Haruka had gone through the same thing. Usagi had supposed that she viewed Haruka and Michiru the same way people tended to view her and Mamoru-- completely together on everything, inseparable, eternal. She actually took solace in the fact that they were normal, and yet so together all at once. And they could understand how she felt about destiny and duty in ways that only senshi could.
"Thank God I'm normal," Usagi muttered, but with palpable relief. "I keep thinking I'm totally crazy."
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Kaioh Michiru
Innocent
Senshi of the Deep Sea
Carrying the Protection of the Deep Sea
Posts: 28
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Post by Kaioh Michiru on Jun 27, 2009 1:24:06 GMT -5
Michiru smiled, glad to see that some of Usagi's tension was easing up at least. "Oh, you're far from normal, Usagi-chan. But in this, yes, you're normal." She grinned, "When we realized that we could be together for us, not the past or destiny, but because even without any of that, we'd very much be in love, we became much healthier and happier. And if you and Mamoru decide that that is the case for you, then you will be too. And if you decide that's not the case, then you'd be happier than being Destiny's slave."
"As for Hotaru... remember, she's still a kid. I love my Firefly, and I know that she's very much not a normal child. But she's still a kid. She has a hard time making friends... and I know what that's like. But you're not responsible for her happiness, Usagi." She made a note to talk to her daughter. She could only imagine how hard the idea of not having Chibi-Usa around would be for her.
"And no... your relationship is not what keeps us all together. The Inners and you were close long before you ever first snuck down to Earth. And I have fond memories of the few occasions we got to come to the Moon. And I know how painful it was for you during the fight with Galaxia, but we didn't fall apart because Mamoru wasn't there. No, our love for you, and the bonds we've formed with each other because of you, that's what keeps us all together. I think even more than our fight against Chaos, we're a family. And that's not going to change."
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Post by Neo Queen Serenity on Jun 27, 2009 1:41:58 GMT -5
"'Destiny's slave,'" Usagi repeated, involuntarily cuddling up to Michiru. It just felt so natural at that moment, and physical closeness, either to her friends, or even to Mamoru-- who she was starting to think of as her friend, was always comforting. "That's precisely how I've felt before. You know what? I think I want to make sure that it's not the same for him, either. Destiny can be enslaving, but also I feel like relying on it is a way of abdicating responsibility. I don't want to rely on destiny to forge my love and my relationships. I want to love people even when it seems destiny is working against it. Actually, I want to love people regardless of destiny at all. Not just Mamoru, but everyone. I want to see people as who they are, not pawns in a predestined process. I told Hotaru that I think the word destiny is too similar to the word destination, and that life is not a destination."
Yes, Hotaru was still young. Usagi remembered her notions of romance at that time, that true love between two people was the be-all, end-all of existence. But as she grew older, she developed a faith in an encompassing, unconditional love for humanity itself. A compassionate love and regard for others could be just as powerful as romantic love, as could the love of a parent or a friend. Eros could seem the most passionate, but it could also be the most volatile.
No, Michiru was right. Perhaps her love with Mamoru had inspired the senshi, but it was because they loved each other and this Earth that they banded together so many times to save it. That love was just as powerful and important. "You're right about that. And even before we knew the identity of Tuxedo Kamen in this life, we were growing together and succeeding," Usagi agreed. "I guess-- it just really scared me, hearing that." She had been in a particularlly sensitive spot then, as well. Thinking about it rationally helped. As much faith as she put in emotions, there was something to be said about regarding love with reason. It brought a different perspective, a deeper one than just the immediacy of mere feelings.
"We are a family," Usagi agreed wholeheartedly. Whether Mamoru was around or not, that wasn't going to change. "I don't love any of you any less because he's not my future husband anymore." And she knew, deep down, that the opposite was true of them.
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Kaioh Michiru
Innocent
Senshi of the Deep Sea
Carrying the Protection of the Deep Sea
Posts: 28
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Post by Kaioh Michiru on Jun 27, 2009 2:06:47 GMT -5
"Usagi-chan, you just called off your engagement. You're allowed to be sensitive and in an emotionally turbulent place right now. In fact, you should be taking some time for yourself." She shook her head slightly, "I'll have that argument with you later though." She held her, much the same way she would hold Haruka when she was hurting.
"You know, destiny would suggest that Haruka and I would be stationed somewhere where we'd barely get to see each other, much less everyone else." Michiru would not mind going back to Triton at some point, but she did not want her "destiny" to be a repeat of her former duties. For one thing, she had found through her relationship with the younger Senshi and, particularly, with Hotaru, that she was maternal. That that was as much a part of her as being a warrior was. She hoped that being free to forge their own destiny would mean that someday she'd give Hotaru a little brother or sister, though she did not dwell on that too much at this point.
"I think, if we let destiny control us, we'll eventually be as bad as any of Chaos' puppets." She smiled, "And I can't imagine that any of the girls feel any differently about it, Usagi-chan. I'm sure they're all worried about you, and you two have been together so long it might be hard for them to imagine you not together, but I can't imagine that they love you or each other any less because of this."
She smiled to her, "And I don't believe that, at this point, any of us follow you out of destiny. We love you and believe in you."
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Post by Neo Queen Serenity on Jun 27, 2009 3:01:24 GMT -5
"I agree completely about being as bad as Chaos's puppets. Actually we keep talking about destiny as this sentient entity, almost like an inviolate deity. I probably sounds stupid, but I haven't been convinced beyond any reasonable doubt that destiny truly exists."
Usagi nodded. "I think the girls do, too. Well... mostly." She wasn't sure about Minako, ever since that day, but... Usagi would have to cross that bridge later. Provided that bridge wasn't entirely burnt, though she would only claim half the responsibility for that.
She returned Michiru's smile. "Thank you. I also needed to hear that."
Usagi lapsed into silence for a moment, mulling over things. She relished the lack of emotion in the room-- it was there, but not bubbling over. There was perspective. Right now, she appreciated perspective. "What would you say if I told you that even with all of this turmoil with Mamoru, that I've developed a tiny crush?"
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Kaioh Michiru
Innocent
Senshi of the Deep Sea
Carrying the Protection of the Deep Sea
Posts: 28
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Post by Kaioh Michiru on Jun 27, 2009 16:22:02 GMT -5
Michiru felt her eyebrow raise. Mostly? Does that mean you doubt the Inner Senshi? Or just some of them... You should have called us back if things were getting this bad, Usagi-chan. Despite her thoughts, she kept it to herself. Usagi was giving her enough to focus on, to make sure that Usagi was all right, and the last thing that Michiru needed to do was to try to swoop in and fix everything.
"What would I say? I'd say that despite being one of the 'aloof and distant Outer Senshi'," she winked at Usagi, "that I fully enjoy good gossip from time to time. So... spill!"
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Post by Neo Queen Serenity on Jun 27, 2009 17:21:55 GMT -5
Usagi nodded. She hadn't thought about it quite like gossip, more like still wondering if she was sane, crushing on another guy while Mamoru was going to chase after her, and she had ended a ten year long relationship.
"Well, it's just a little crush. His name is Alexander. I met him at the ball. He's a bit younger than me, but very mature and smart and fun. And very handsome. We only had one dance, but it was enough to keep him on my brain for awhile. And... he talked to me." That statement seemed so silly that Usagi blushed. Of course he talked to her. Obviously. But it was he way he did that had captured some of her imagination. "I mean... he talked with me about things and in a way that others haven't..."
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Kaioh Michiru
Innocent
Senshi of the Deep Sea
Carrying the Protection of the Deep Sea
Posts: 28
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Post by Kaioh Michiru on Jun 27, 2009 17:31:32 GMT -5
Michiru could not help but smile as Usagi told her about Alexander. She gently let go of her, kissing her forehead. "You are crushing aren't you? I'm not sure I've seen you blush like this in a while." She winked, "Reminds me of when you crushed on my 'Ruka."
"What kinds of things?" She was curious. Though she could also understand how easy it would be for Usagi to crush on someone who treated her like a person rather than spun glass or simply the embodiment of all their hope--or worse the embodiment of all their fears.
Actually, Michiru thought that Usagi having a crush and even dating other men than Mamoru would be a good thing. It would, at the very least, allow her to be sure one way or the other.
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Post by Neo Queen Serenity on Jun 27, 2009 17:47:52 GMT -5
"W-what?!" Usagi squawked in response as Michiru said it reminded her of when Usagi crushed on Haruka. "I did not crush on your partner!" Usagi sputtered, turning beet red. "She flirted with me! I mean, not to imply that she was anything other than devoted to you, but she was so evil about using it to tease me, and I didn't do anything to deserve, nothing, nothing at all, it was all her fault..." Usagi tried to explain, squirming.
She managed to settle down long enough to answer Michiru's question. "Oh, just about different views, politics even. Not like someone trying to figure out policy or the way a reporter would ask about it, but just a conversation. You know. An adult conversation." Where her opinions weren't treated as either the law or something to be resisted, but accepted as coming from a knowledgeable woman. And she enjoyed being treated like she could hold her own, especially from a very accomplished, handsome man. "At the same time, he challenged me, and I liked that."
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Kaioh Michiru
Innocent
Senshi of the Deep Sea
Carrying the Protection of the Deep Sea
Posts: 28
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Post by Kaioh Michiru on Jun 27, 2009 18:04:22 GMT -5
Michiru couldn't help but laugh at Usagi's reaction. Michiru had never minded what had, to all appearances, seemed like most of the Inners, Usagi included, crushing on Haruka. She knew that the Sky Senshi would never cheat on her, and she'd actually found it quite cute. Besides, it was kind of nice to be with the woman everyone else wanted--even if they thought her a man at first. "It's not like I didn't flirt with Mamoru. We were rather cruel teens; sorry about that." She could justify the reasons all she wanted, but that didn't change the fact that it was rather mean. Of course they were also trying to kill Hotaru at the time... she shook her head trying to dismiss those memories.
She smiled as Usagi basically confirmed her theory. "I think that you should see this Alex again." Her eyes danced merrily as she watched Usagi. She was brighter now than she had been earlier, their princess was back even with all the stress and confusion. "Seriously, I do. I think that dating other men will help you figure out if you want to be with Mamoru after all or if you need to be just friends. I think he should date other women too, but don't let Haruka know I said that." She winked at her.
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Post by Neo Queen Serenity on Jun 27, 2009 18:26:39 GMT -5
"So you did do it on purpose!" Usagi exclaimed, then burst into laughter and giggles, flopping back on the couch and rolling around for a good minute or two.
"We were very naughty girls. You have no idea how much anxiety I had over you. Called you Miss Perfect Hair and Nails. Or was it Skin? I can't remember it now. You were so smart and accomplished and mature and confident and... coordinated. I wanted to be you so badly. I felt sooo threatened when you came around."
Usagi nodded, still grinning. "Well, now that I have your approval I think I will, though who knows if he's even interested in me in 'that' way. And I won't tell 'Ruka, promise. I don't know about Mamoru, honestly it's up to him. He's doing his best to be a good friend now, and I'm starting to think of him like one. I told him that I wouldn't wait for him to get his stuff together, though I need work myself before I get serious with anybody, including him again. I never had anything to compare it to, y'know? So I want to see if what we had, or what I thought we had was for real or just typical."
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Kaioh Michiru
Innocent
Senshi of the Deep Sea
Carrying the Protection of the Deep Sea
Posts: 28
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Post by Kaioh Michiru on Jun 27, 2009 18:39:25 GMT -5
Michiru giggled as she sat back down, "Yes, we did it on purpose. Both of us, though Haruka kept it up long after just because... well, we adore you, Princess." She winked to let her know that was meant as a name of affection not a demotion, "but you were horribly fun to tease."
For now, she would not get into the reason that they had felt flirting with Usagi and Mamoru was appropriate. Those were memories that did not need to be dredged up again, but they had felt it crucial to test their relationship, to try to prevent a repeat of what had happened before. "Oh, Usagi-chan. Sometimes I think that you're the only one who can't see how truly wonderful you are." She winked, moving from serious back to teasing, "Besides, Mamoru was never my type."
"Even if this Alex is not interested in you 'that' way, it would be good for you to get to know yourself and what you want. I think you're doing this absolutely right. But, there's one thing I want you to keep in mind. You may decide that the relationship the way it was was wrong, but you may decide that you still love Mamoru. If... and it's entirely up to you... if you do get back together with him, I want you to make sure that you start afresh. That it's a new relationship, not simply a resumption of a previous one."
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Post by Neo Queen Serenity on Jun 27, 2009 19:10:14 GMT -5
"I know, I know, I'm an easy target," Usagi laughed from where she was lying on her back, in a completely undignified position. "And I adore you too. All of you," she winked.
"Not your type? That's what I thought about him too until our pasts were revealed," Usagi remarked, trying to tease back but found herself serious anyway. "I always thought Motoki was more my type. Poor Motoki." He had no idea he had been crushed on for so long by the new Queen of Earth. Usagi didn't know how he would react if he ever found out.
Usagi beamed at Michiru. "See, that's what I think. I just want to know what I want, and who I am. So I'm glad there's someone who understands. And that's what I told Mamoru, too-- that if we were to ever get back together, it was because we had gotten to know each other all over again, built up a whole new relationship. There was so much uncertainty about the last one that I know if there's to be any chance, we have to start from the beginning."
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