Heart-to-Heart 1/6 Evening (Usagi/Mamoru)

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru only took enough time to make certain he looked his best once more before heading off toward the palace. As he had predicted he arrived at the palace within the hour, pulling up to the gates. He gave his name and Id, informing the guards that he was there to see the queen. As promised they were aware of his arrival and so after they performed their security measures Mamoru was allowed inside.

He nodded politely to the person that showed him in even though he had already known his way. Mamoru made an effort to remain polite and friendly toward any maids and servants, doing his best to repair whatever damage he had done when he had been living here.

Mamoru waited while someone informed Usagi that he was here, fidgeting just a little as he stood there. He had been eager to begin this conversation, but now that he was here he was beginning to get nervous.

[Neo Queen Serenity]

After hanging up the phone, Usagi made a note for the times Mamoru requested, and then called down to make sure they knew he was coming. That done, she changed out of her work clothes into something more casual, choosing a comfy pair of pants and a sweater.

An hour went by pretty quickly; by time she had finished up changing and washing the make-up off, a maid was knocking on the door to tell her that he was here.

"I'll be there in a sec," she promised, quickly stepping into a pair of flats and heading out the door. Once out of her apartments, her detail fell into step around her. It wasn't far to go until Mamoru came into sight.

Usagi smiled softly at him, walking straight up and giving him a friendly hug. "Hey there, you made it."

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru immediately relaxed the moment he saw Usagi heading toward him. Even dressed casually he still found her to be beautiful. This was going to be hard, but it would be worth it. If they could continue to be open and honest with one another, hopefully they could eventually move entirely past the problems of the past.

He smiled and returned her hug. The tension he felt at being back here melting with just her presence. “I made it.” Mamoru’s gaze flickered over her detail and whomever else happened to be standing around before returning back to Usagi as he said, “It’s good to see you again. This is certainly an expected surprise.”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi raised an eyebrow at him, gently picking up his hand to lead him back to her apartments. "An expected surprise? Kind of an oxymoron, don't you think?"

It wasn't long before they were behind closed doors, and she dropped his hand in order to take a seat. She didn't know if he wanted to do this now, or chit-chat, or what.

"Want anything to drink?" Usagi asked. At the very least she could be a good hostess.

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru grinned and shrugged, squeezing her hand lightly and following her into her apartments. “Perhaps, but it felt right for the moment. You know, being able to see you tonight was a surprise but it was kind of expected since we both set it up. Silly maybe, an oxymoron for certain, but like I said it fit.”

His nervous energy returned once they were behind closed doors, knowing that he would have to bring up the conversation now. Attempting to give himself a moment to calm down, Mamoru took his jacket off and set it aside. He then took a seat across from the one that Usagi had taken.

Mamoru glanced up at her with a nervous smile and a nod when she asked about a drink. “A drink would be good right now I think. What ever you have is fine.”

He leaned back as he waited, tapping his fingers idly on the arm of the chair. After a moment he said, “It hasn’t even been a week since I was last here Usa and already it feels . . . different I guess. It’s already feeling like I’ve never lived here.”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

"I guess that makes sense," Usagi smiled in return.

She found herself getting up immediately since Mamoru agreed to a drink. "I have lots of stuff, though, that's the problem... Alcoholic or non, I suppose... Though, you probably drove over here, so I would think non..." She pulled out a cold coffee drink; at least it was decaf, being later in the evening, and she knew he liked coffee. Handing it to him, Usagi took up her spot again, crossing her legs and leaning back, trying to relax.

"Well technically you never quite lived here, precisely," she smiled, meaning her apartments. "But I do know what you mean... It is different, physically... construction and all." Though she was sure he meant the more emotional aspects-- she was convinced that walls soaked up feelings, even if it wasn't very scientific.

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru accepted the coffee drink that she gave him. One of those alcoholic drinks would have helped him relax better, but she was right he did drive here. “Thank you Usa.” He watched her take her seat again as he sipped at the drink a moment.

He gave a wry grin at her next words. “I meant my own apartments just down the hall.” Nodding a little he added, “It’s more about the feeling, emotionally I think. Before everything happened it just felt like home, like I belonged her. Now just a week later I feel like the guest that I am. Nothing has really changed, not physically anyway except for my new address but the moment I stepped in here it just felt different.” He thought about it briefly before continuing, “It’s harder to relax in a way.”

Mamoru sipped at his coffee again trying to find the words he needed. He had come here for a reason and he couldn’t just keep prancing around the issue. Finally he took a deep breath rallying his courage, swallowed a little anxiously, and said, “Lucan says that if you keep secrets to avoid consequences then it becomes a lie. I tend to agree with him. What he said, it makes a lot of sense.”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

"I understand. It's unscientific but I think places have personalities of their own," Usagi admitted. Mamoru was so logical that often she kept her more inane musings to herself. But since he commented upon it, she felt able to do so.

However, Usagi quieted down as Mamoru finally spoke. She was beginning to think she should have gotten herself a drink as well. Usagi bit her lip, looking down and playing with the edge of her sweater, studying the stitches.

"I suppose in his profession, he would have to know about all types of lies," Usagi finally said, raising her eyes to meet his. "I would agree with that, too. Honesty isn't just about saying truthful things, but telling the entire truth."

Of course, she had told him as much on the night that they broke up. She was surprised that he was sitting here across from her and admitting to this much. Was that all he came to say? Would he go all the way this time?

Usagi fell silent again, allowing him to go on.

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru hesitated before saying, “Actually I agree. Though it can’t be explained buildings sometimes do just seem to take on a personality.” She was right, it certainly wasn’t very scientific, but as he had said he agreed. An empty home, even if it happened to be furnished, certainly didn’t feel as welcoming as one with someone living in it.

He watched her fidget with the edge of her sweater and realized that she was just as nervous with this conversation as he was. Oddly enough this gave him the confidence to continue. When she rose her gaze back up to his, he held steady and even gave her a reassuring smile. “I’m going to tell you what I told Lucan Usa and I need you to listen and not make judgements until I’m done. Please?”

Mamoru fell silent long enough to take another sip of his drink and to organize his thoughts just a little more before returning his gaze back up to hers.

“Not all secrets belong to one man Usa. The secret of Shitennou did not solely belong to me. I did not keep the Shitennou secret simply because I thought it might be unpleasant for me. When their souls first returned to me, I had to consider their safety. I still say that in that first year if I had mentioned their presence the Senshi might have decided to destroy them. I could not take that chance. It is not wrong to consider the safety of those that serve under you. That is what you do every day Usa. You consider the safety of everyone that serves under you, whether it’s one of your Senshi, one of your staff, one of your military, or even just one of your civilians. There are secrets that you keep because to divulge them would be to put people in danger. That was the very reason you kept your identity away from your parents, because if they had known they would have been in danger.”

He paused briefly in order for Usagi to absorb his words before continuing on with what he wanted to say. “I do realize that it was unfair of me to just decide how you all would have reacted. You especially, I should have known you better then to just assume that you would have wanted to get rid of them without giving them a chance and I did. I did know that you wouldn’t have hurt them, but Usa it wasn’t just you that was involved. Your Senshi were involved as well at first and some of them use to be quick to jump to conclusions.”

Mamoru paused once more in order to take another sip of his drink. After a moment he said, “Now with that said, I agree with Lucan on another point. There were plenty of times when I could have and should have spoken up to you at least. When I didn’t, it became a lie. I don’t know when the right time to bring it up would have been. Lucan suggested asking you at what point would you have begun to feel deceived.”

He sighed softly before suddenly rising to his feet and taking the few steps between his chair and hers. Dropping to his knees before her, Mamoru took her hand in his and added, “Deceiving you was not something I ever wanted to do Usa. That is something that I know with a certainty. For that and for all of the hurtful things I said, please will you forgive me?”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi slowly nodded, though she was beginning to feel uneasy about this. However, she could listen, and listen she did, until he said his peace.

Her eyes darkened as he tried to equivocate his behavior by referencing the information she kept secret as Queen, or her parents... her parents. She couldn't help the tears that flooded her eyes as Mamoru had the nerve to bring them into the conversation, but she was able to keep a reign on her emotions, at least enough to not speak up as he continued.

She squirmed as he said it wasn't just her to consider, but the senshi. These same old excuses, only wrapped in prettier language... was this what he came for?

She wanted to scream in frustration as he paused to take a sip of his drink. It was such a casual gesture that seemed out of place in such a tense moment. But her eyes widened slightly as he admitted for the first time, that at least eventually, his behavior became a lie.

Usagi stared down at him, a lump rising in her throat. She wanted so much to just do as he asked, hope that this was the best she would ever get. If he had been like this the first night, right in this room, sitting in the same seats they had argued from the first time... She closed her eyes, and then slowly shook her head, standing and pulling her hand from his.

"I can forgive you for both of things, but don't you realize that's only half of it?!" Usagi burst out, her tears overflowing and streaming down her face. She wasn't angry anymore, simply hurt. She found herself pacing the room with a nervous energy as she talked, desperate to dispel some of her raging emotions.

"The fact is, Mamoru, it's not the same! I'm the Queen, people expect me to guard information. They know that there are classified documents and programs, and if they don't like it they can at least file a Freedom of Information Act request... Since when did I ever get to do that with you?" She spun around to face him. "I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong on my parents, though... There's much more to that than what it seems." She would rather not get bogged down with the particulars on that, and just pushed forward.

"You want me to forgive you for those things, and then just accept that the initial secret and that first year as being necessary. Well I can't! You said that Lucan told you to ask me when I would feel deceived, and the answer is, from the beginning! You know, I can accept that you didn't know the senshi as well as you did me. But what you didn't know is that when you were a part of the Dark Kingdom, they were the ones who sustained me, encouraged me, helped me stay strong because they assured me we would get you back! If it hadn't been for them, I would have never made it as far as I did that day at D Point... They died so that I might defeat Beryl, and so that I might find you again..."

Usagi held up a hand. "And I'd bet you'd say that you didn't know all that, but that's not an excuse, either. Mamoru, it was your secret, the burden of proof is on you to find out what you need to in order to come clean. You know, I think I could have accepted it if you had simply told me from the beginning that you had a few things that we would eventually need to address, but you didn't feel comfortable doing it now. At least I would have known then. Your silence.... your silence deceived me from the beginning." She closed her eyes briefly, overwhelmed by the pain again. "Like I said..." Usagi finally said. "This made me realize, I didn't really know you... Mamoru, if you were afraid for them, you could have done something, you could have tested the waters, tried to figure out where the senshi would stand on this. And you say you know that I would never hurt them like that, but did you not know me well enough by then that I would never allow anyone else, especially not my friends, to make that kind of mistake?"

Swallowing, Usagi looked at him, shaking her head. "If it's forgiveness you're seeking, you have it, for all of it. You always have. But I deserved more, Mamoru," she whispered, her azure eyes shimmering with pain. "From the beginning. I deserved your trust and forthrightness from the beginning."

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru was far too observant not to notice the darkening of her eyes, the tears, or even her squirming as he spoke. He continued however, ignoring the uneasiness he was once again beginning to feel. These things needed to be said. This conversation needed to take place or else they would never be able to really move past it. It would forever hang in the corner of whatever kind of relationship they had, forever tainting it.

His gaze followed her as she stood, pulling her hand from his. He hadn’t expected her to pull away and it hurt a little. As usual his first instinct was to either withdraw or to strike out, however he very carefully resisted both. To do either, especially if he were to strike out, would be to lose Usagi forever. He seriously doubted that he’d ever get a chance to talk to her again if he behaved in the same manner that he had the previous time they had been having a conversation about this. Therefore he swallowed down his initial response and simply remained quiet, still kneeling where she had left him, watching her imploringly.

Mamoru flinched just a little at her tears. He hated watching her cry, especially knowing that he was the cause of them. He was a little confused at the only half of it part. That’s what all of this was about wasn’t it? He had been deceiving her and he had hurt her. What else was there? He rose to his feet simply waiting, eyes following her as she paced the room, certain that there would be more to what she was saying.

He nodded slowly when she went on. Mamoru knew that they hadn’t been exactly the same situation. He had really only been using it to try to get her to understand, though maybe he should have chosen a better example. Perhaps she was right, people knew she kept things from them and they could try to get information from her should they believe themselves entitled to it. Usagi hadn’t known he was keeping information from her and even if she had known and asked for it, more then likely he would have brushed her off somehow.

Mamoru sighed softly and started to say as much, but he fell silent when Usagi spun around to face him. He shifted uncomfortably, knowing that he shouldn’t have brought up her parents. That whole situation was painful for Usagi and he had no business bringing it up. That fact alone kept him quiet when she pushed forward.

For the second time that night he flinched at her next words. He had hoped that she would understand. Not necessarily accept that it was necessary, but just understand why he had done it. He had hoped that she would understand that he had a reason and that to him it felt like a valid reason. Apparently not.

Mamoru’s gaze hardened into cold blue ice the moment Usagi brought up the Dark Kingdom and his part in it. He really didn’t like being reminded of that time in his life, it just hurt too much to think about. The best defense for the hurt had always been to withdraw from the subject, though lately it had been anger.

How could he have known her Senshi had helped her in that way. True, it was easy enough for him to figure that they would have encouraged her and sustained her. That’s what they did. Her sisters were always there for her. It wasn’t too hard for him to believe that they would have done so then as well. That didn’t however mean that they would have been doing so for him. How on earth could he have known anything like that. He was the enemy at the time, servant to the darkness.

Mamoru opened his mouth to tell her just that, but before he was able to voice his words she had held up her hand and continued with what she had been saying. He snapped his mouth shut and just glared at her.

It didn’t matter that they had helped her get him back, it was an entirely different situation. They had known him, he had been their friend. The Shitennou had been enemies, they wouldn’t have cared so very much about them no matter what Usagi said. However, it wasn’t long before his anger faded and he actually listened to what she was saying.

Mamoru bowed his head, staring at the floor as his thoughts tumbled about in his head. He had believed he was right, but maybe . . . looking at things from her side of things, maybe . . . maybe he had been mistaken. He was feeling confused at this point. His reasons still made sense to him, if for no other reason then he hadn’t been the most trusting person at that time.

In that first year he had loved Usagi, he had known that he did though perhaps it had been because of their history together. He didn’t know. What he did know was that even though he had loved her didn’t necessarily mean that he had been capable of trusting her with his inner most thoughts and feelings, at least not easily.

Thinking back on it now, he knew that she would have helped him protect his friends even from her own sisters at least until it was proven one way or the other. He knew that now and he probably would have know it then if he had actually thought about it. Usagi was just that kind of a person. It was only his own inability to trust that hadn’t allowed him to share something that important to him, but then he trusted his Shitennou why not Usagi?

From the time he had gained the Shitennou’s souls he had trusted them. He had always come to them whenever he was at his least confident. He had lowered his guard and showed them his insecurities and weaknesses from the start. Why then had it been so hard to trust Usagi? He didn’t know, wasn’t sure he would ever know actually.

Perhaps it had to do with the fact that they shared a common bond. They weren’t just his friends, they were more then that, much more. It didn’t hurt that they knew what it felt like to be a servant to the Dark Kingdom, even more then he did technically. It was just second nature for him to trust them.

Mamoru sighed raggedly, none of that made any difference in the end. His reasons, valid or not didn’t matter in the end. What mattered most to him now was how Usagi had been hurt, was still being hurt. He looked up at her, regret and uncertainty clouding his gaze.

He raised a hand toward Usagi’s cheek to wipe away the tears he saw there, hating them more then anything. He hesitated midway, not certain if she’d welcome the touch. “You’re right Usagi. You deserved more, so much more but I wasn’t capable of giving it to you.”

Mamoru lowered his hand and shook his head. “In the end, my reasons don’t really matter. I don’t care if I was right or wrong. The only thing that matters is that I hurt you and that was wrong. I claimed to love you and yet I couldn’t give you the trust and forthrightness that you deserved. I can’t go back and make it right Usa. I don’t know how.”

He bowed his head once more as he murmured brokenly, “How do I make it better? How do I show you that if I had the chance I’d change everything and do it right?”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi stood still, barely breathing as he raised his hand to wipe away her tears, but shied away at the last moment. She didn't dare release that breath as Mamoru seemed to finally understand. Then it came out, a long whoosh that left her feeling drained. She didn't feel triumphant, only that this was a long time in coming. Ten years...

She stepped forward when Mamoru bowed his head. He looked so defeated in that moment. Without a thought, Usagi took his head into her hands, raising it so that he could look into her eyes. Tears still ran down her cheeks freely, splashing into his shirt now due to their close proximity, now.

"Just saying the words is a big help," she replied, trying to smile at him, but failing. "Mamoru... I'm glad you explained. I do understand, I do... You're really good with logic, I'll never be able to have the words to speak the way you do. But I can't help wondering, after everything, is that what it's going to be like? You can come up with many good reasons, and maybe I only have one... It hurts me. It deceives me." Fresh tears brewed in her eyes, and her fingers trembled as they touched his skin.

"If you love me... shouldn't that be reason enough?" Usagi whispered, her eyes imploring him. "Shouldn't it be enough just that it harms me?"

She trailed off, shoulders shaking. Usagi leaned into him, dropping her head and hands.

"You do have the chance," she said, her voice shaking. "You will in the future. There will be times when you have to make choices... Trust me, then. Because I don't have the strength anymore to seek you out... I don't have the faith..."

[Chiba Mamoru]

Looking into her eyes, Mamoru wanted to flinch away at the sight of the continuing tears. He didn’t, but he wanted to simply because he hated the thought of having caused her pain in the first place.

He gave her a flicker of a smile, though it was sad when Usagi began saying that the words helped and that she did understand. At this point, he really didn’t care about his reasons. She was right, it didn’t matter how many reasons he came up with. The fact was she had been hurt and that was reason enough to make what he had done wrong. A wrong made worse because he had refused to listen to her and ended up hurting her more. He swallowed painfully and closed his eyes when he saw the fresh tears brewing. So much pain ...

Mamoru reopened his eyes when he heard her whispered words and murmured, “More then enough Usa ... it should have been enough.”

When she trailed off and leaned into him, Mamoru immediately wrapped his arms around her gathering Usagi into a hug. He leaned his head down against hers as he murmured, “I won’t waste this chance then Usa. I’ll make it better and show you that I can change and do things right. I can’t promise that I won’t make mistakes from here on out. As you said the other day we have to grow and learn, but I can have faith enough for the both of us. I’ll be the one seeking you out, you’ll see ...”

He pulled away just a little so that he could look down at her as he added hesitantly, “That is if that’s what you want. I don’t want to pressure you into anything. If friendship is all that you want ...”

If that was all she was willing to give him then he would live with it. He loved her enough to let her go if that was what she wanted, just as he had told her a few days ago.

[Neo Queen Serenity]

She felt something come out of her in that moment as Mamoru finally acknowledged it. Usagi found herself sagging into his arms, relieved, and yet still stung, all at once. Her silent tears dissolved into sobs, as she finally felt herself succumb to her emotions. Before she had always held back from him, but now she felt feel to expose the true extent of her pain.

Usagi nodded into his shirt as he said he wouldn't waste this chance. She blinked at him as he pulled back slightly, sniffing and raising a hand to wipe at her eyes.

"I... don't know what I want," she replied, confused. She cared about Mamoru, but she still felt as if she didn't really know him completely, if what they had was really love or just the feeling she would have in any relationship. They had come so far to just walk away, but she couldn't go forward without being confident she knew him. It was one thing to talk about it, but she needed to be shown... To know herself.

"Do what you want, Mamoru... I'll tell you if it's too fast or slow... but like I told you before, don't expect me to wait..." she whispered in reply, swallowing the rising lump in her throat.

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru simply held Usagi tighter when her sobs broke free, allowing her the chance to cry as much as she needed to. There were no words of apology that he could make at this point. He had hurt her, bad enough to kill something inside of her. He hadn’t meant to, but nevertheless he had. The only thing he could do was to cling to her while she succumbed to her emotions, doing his best to be a pillar of strength for the both of them.

He gave her another sad smile when Usagi told him she didn’t know what she wanted. Reaching up to brush a stray curl over her ear Mamoru murmured, “I can understand that. I know there is a long road ahead of us Usa. You aren’t going to be able to trust my intentions just because I say I’ll change. I know that. We talked about it before, we both need an opportunity to know ourselves better before we can even begin to form something more. I know that. A chance to grow . . .”

Mamoru resisted the urge to frown when Usagi told him again not to expect her to wait. He wouldn’t deny that the thought of knowing she was with some other man troubled him, but he was not going to ask her to do something she didn’t want to do. Perhaps it would even be good for them both. He still wasn’t certain he cared to date other people even though she had told him he might should, but he wasn’t going to stand in her way.

“I don’t expect you to wait Usa. I lost the right to ask that of you.”

That did not mean by any stretch of the imagination that he was going to give up. He had told her in the restaurant that he intended to win her back and that declaration still stood. “Everything I said before Usa, in the restaurant ... I still mean it. I don’t expect you to wait, but I can’t ... I won’t just stand back and lose you either. Like I said, I have faith enough for the both of us.”