The Talk 1/4 Evening (Luna/Usagi)

[Luna]

Luna waited until Usagi had returned to her quarters for the evening. She hadn’t felt comfortable holding this kind of conversation in Usagi’s office for fear that someone would overhear it. Well technically she couldn’t guarantee their privacy here, but it felt more personal and less threatening to be here in Usagi’s quarters. Besides, Usagi had been busy all day with the troubles from the previous day and so there hadn’t really been time until now.

She paced the floor nervously, her tail very nearly dragging the ground outside the quarters as she tried to think how best to bring the subject up. Usagi had been hard to talk to lately simply because Luna didn’t know what would upset her or what wouldn’t. She suspected that Usagi was not going to like this subject and she really didn’t want to get into an argument with her. She didn’t want to hurt her feelings either or make her feel as if she were under attack. After a moment Luna sighed softly and just decided to be as open, nonjudgmental, and understanding as she could.

Luna hesitated a moment more before actually heading into the rooms and calling softly, “Usagi? Can I talk with you for a moment or are you busy?”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi's head snapped up as she heard Luna calling her. After a very stressful day, she had curled up with with tons of briefs and other materials requiring her attention. Somehow her book found its way into the pile, and she was taking a much-needed break by reading a few pages. It was, however, conveniently hidden behind a rather large leather folio, and she closed it and set it aside, smiling at her friend as she padded into the room.

"No, Luna, I'm not terribly busy now. What do you need to talk about?" Usagi asked curiously. She hoped it wasn't anything too serious, she had plenty going on that day, and she had had more than her fill of serious conversations lately.

[Luna]

Luna leaped into a nearby chair and curled her tail neatly around her fore paws. She appeared calm, though the tip of her tail periodically twitched displaying her nervousness. She stared at the ground trying to figure out the best way to start her conversation.

After a moment she looked back up at Usagi, her blue eyes dark with worry. “Usagi ... lately I’ve been really worried about you. There is something wrong I know there is. You aren’t happy. At first I thought it was just the stress of everything going on lately, but I’ve begun to realize that it hasn’t just been recently that you’ve been doing things that concern me. You’ve been distancing yourself from people that I know you care about and there are other things as well.”

Luna paused hesitantly before adding, “I know that you’ve got a lot of responsibilities being Queen of the world. That’s a lot of stress for one person to handle on their own. I was speaking with someone the other night that has also been worried about you and they were telling me about all kinds of things that have happened to other rulers and leaders that didn’t have half as much on their shoulders that you have to deal with. It really scared me Usagi, I don’t want anything like that to happen to you.”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi watched Luna curiously, but she didn't have long to wait before the cat spoke up. She tensed at Luna's words, thinning her lips in response. Where did this come from? The longer Luna spoke, the more she didn't like it. It was certainly something big to just be hit with!

"I haven't been happy the past few weeks, that doesn't mean I'm unhappy in general," Usagi frowned, drumming her fingers on the leather folio she had set down next to her.

"I'm so glad you know how I feel better than I do," she retorted. "Please, Luna, tell me more about what's wrong with me and what my emotions are, go on. You're going to have to be a bit more specific about all these 'things' that I'm doing that you don't like."

A moment later, Usagi let out a sigh, raking a hand through her long bangs. "Sorry, that was rude. But I don't like being told there's something wrong with me, I think I can speak for myself. Whoever this mysterious someone is, and yourself-- well, I'm fine, alright? It's been a difficult couple of weeks, but I'll be fine. None of those other things are going to happen to me, I won't even age much more than I already have."

She picked up the folio and opened it again stubbornly. "There. Are we finished?"

[Luna]

Luna resisted the urge to cringe as she watched Usagi’s lips thinning in response to her words. This wasn’t going to be easy, but then she had already known that.

“I didn’t mean unhappy Usagi. I know that you haven’t been unhappy in general. You are usually very cheerful in fact. I just meant ...” Luna twitched her tail uneasily trying to think of the best way to say what she meant. Finally she just shook her head and said, “Usagi can you honestly tell me that this job is not weighing you down? You are always working, never taking time out for yourself. You can’t even wear what you want to wear or say what you want to say without having to worry about how it will effect someone else. That has to be hard on you.”

This time she actually did cringe, her ears folding back on her head at Usagi’s next words. Her first instinct was to get irritated after all she had only come because she was worried. Usagi could at least take that into account before snapping at her in such a way. However, she forced herself to remain calm. Getting angry wouldn’t help anything, it would only drive Usagi away further.

Luna sighed softly when Usagi apologized and then went on to say that people didn’t have to worry about her and that she was fine. Forcing herself to relax, Luna murmured, “Usagi I know I’m going about this all wrong. It really wasn’t my intention to upset you. As I told you, I was only concerned. It’s just the things that ...”

She hesitated uncertain whether she should bring up Lucan or not. Lucan had said to use her own judgement, but he had obviously not wanted her to bring up his name if she could help it. On the other hand, Ami had said they should be honest with Usagi and that they needed to rebuild the trust between them. Luna didn’t want to upset Lucan, but Usagi’s feelings were most important to her right now. Usagi needed to know that she wasn’t alone and that people cared about her. She also needed to know that she could trust the people most important to her. Hopefully Lucan would understand and forgive her, even more hopefully Usagi wouldn’t get too upset with Lucan.

“The things that Lucan told me about, he was talking about other leaders that isolated themselves, or withdrew from family and friends in some way. He talked about dissociative symptoms like psychogenic amnesia or derealization, not believing that the world or what’s happening seems real. He talked about sleep disturbances such as insomnia or nightmares. There were also the physical stress symptoms, but like you said you probably won’t be bothered by the aging things.”

Luna dug her claws into the chair below her, figuring Usagi was going to be upset and wishing she didn’t have to be the one to be upsetting her. Taking a deep breath she continued, “Usagi I know that you aren’t fine. I’ve been watching you all this last year and I’ve seen you change. I ... I wasn’t being a good enough advisor and friend to you to actually notice right away, but now that I’m thinking back there have been signs that something is wrong. I don’t know if you are suffering through any of that, but I do know that being queen is affecting you. I ... I’m not trying to judge you, I’m only trying to be the friend and advisor that I should have been a long time ago. I shouldn’t have had to have it pointed out to me. I wasn’t there for you when I should have been, but I am now. I just want to make sure that you are ok . . . I’m only worried because I care about you. Please don’t be angry with me.”

She sighed sadly and hung her head a bit, her ears drooping against her head. She had failed and Usagi was upset. This conversation wasn’t going the way she had hoped that it would. Still staring sadly at the ground, Luna sighed once more before sadly saying, “No Usagi, I’m not finished. You see I went to speak with Ami this morning, about this very conversation. She’s worried about you as well. She’s agreed to see you for me, to take tests and make sure that you are ok.” Luna looked back up at Usagi, her eyes sad as she added, “Please go see her for me, please . . . ”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

"It's not easy, that doesn't mean it's too hard," Usagi said stubbornly, beginning to wonder if letting her stress show to Luna was a good idea. Why even bother to blow off steam with her friend if she was only going to hear about how something was wrong with her? Had Usagi foreseen this 'talk' she might have tried to cover things up a bit more.

She let out another sigh, trying to relax as Luna admitted to going about this wrong. She tried to remind herself that no matter what she said or how she said it, Luna was her friend and only trying to do the right thing by her.

Usagi huffed a bit when Luna finally came out with it and dropped Lucan's name into the conversation. "Oh he did, did he?" she replied shortly. Maybe those two were talking too much. Remembering something, Usagi shook her head slightly. "Actually, he gave me a similar talk about a month before the coronation, or at least mentioned some of that. I blew it off." She had already know she wouldn't age, and was certain stress would be the same way, though by that time she had had more than enough of it just building up to taking the crown. She had been naive, then, thinking things would change. They did, but just in a way she hadn't expected. The past year had very much been a trial by fire.

But that didn't mean she couldn't take it! She made mistakes along the way, but she was doing fine! The list of symptoms gave her a moment's pause. Amnesia... dissocation... she didn't want to think those things about herself, but she couldn't lie and say there hadn't been experiences. However, Usagi wasn't going to admit that aloud. Luna kept harping on her biggest indication of something being 'wrong' was that Usagi had withdrawn from her friends. It felt like she was being punished all over again, drawing up those bitter feelings from the conference the other day, especially as the cat went on to blame herself and then say there was something wrong.

"I'm sorry Luna, but how can I not get upset? I don't care how nicely you put it, you're telling me how I feel and what's wrong with me! I'm the only one who really knows that stuff, so stop putting words in my mouth, alright? You can deny it all you want, but you are judging me!"

However, Usagi froze as Luna said she had gone to see Ami about this. Her breathing felt shallow, and she felt a rush of blood to her face. She could have gotten over it, but the idea of Luna just telling her that she was going to have tests run just set something off in her.

"You know, Luna, you talk about how I can't say or wear what I want and how hard that must be for me... You all keep talking about how I don't take anything out for myself, but you're the worst offenders sometimes! Here you are telling me about how I feel and what I need and even what to do with my body-- all without my consent! Why bother to take anything for myself? You'll only disapprove anyway," she snapped. "I can't ever just make a mistake and learn from it, like other young women my age do. You'll always be around to point out to me what I'm doing wrong, how it should have been done, how to fix it, and how you all want it done in the future, and then have to gall to tell me I should take care of myself more."

She gritted her teeth, staring in the other direction, seething for a moment.

"I'll go. For you. Just like with everything else."

[Luna]

Luna tensed a little but her tone remained calm as he said, “I did not say that it was too hard for you Usagi. I was only saying that it had to be hard on you, not that it was too hard.”

She shifted uneasily when Usagi responded about Lucan, but then Luna relaxed a little when she began to say that Lucan had given her a similar talk before she had been coronated. Luna immediately opened her mouth to lecture Usagi on the fact that she should have paid more attention to what Lucan had been telling her. However, before she even got the words out, she thought better of it. Usagi wouldn’t appreciate a lecture right now.

Luna sighed once more before saying, “I’m not trying to tell you how you are feeling Usagi. I’m not, at least that’s not what I’m meaning to do.” She fell silent for a moment before asking, “Have you never worried about someone you cared about Usagi? Have you never seen them doing something that you thought would eventually hurt them and yet they thought that they were perfectly fine? There are times when people think that they are fine, or they try to hide their real feelings away from everyone suffering in silence. You’ve done it before. You wear a happy smile and pretend that everything is fine with the world, all the while hurting inside. I was only concerned about you. I distinctly said that I didn’t know if you were suffering through any of that. In fact, before I spoke with Lucan I had only thought you were sad because of everything that’s been happening recently.”

She glanced away in frustration before turning back and adding, “I did not come into this room intent upon upsetting you. I’m sorry if that is what I’ve done. I really honestly didn’t mean to do anything more then make sure you were all right. I cannot help being worried about you. You are my friend and I care about you. I always have.”

Luna cringed closer to the chair when she saw Usagi freeze. She was definitely angry. Perhaps the better option would have been to come to Usagi first, but if she had done that Usagi would have only insisted she was fine and then nothing would get done. Despite the fact that Usagi was insisting that she was perfectly fine Luna knew that she wasn’t. She couldn’t say for sure what was bothering Usagi because she refused to talk about it, but Luna was certain that there was something wrong.

She stiffened in surprise when Usagi said that they were some of the worst offenders. Luna hadn’t been aware that Usagi felt that way. Sure Luna nagged a lot, but that was just the way she was. She had been doing it ever since she had first met Usagi. She had done her very best to guide Usagi along the path that she had to follow. There had been plenty of times that Luna had told Usagi how proud she was of her, she wasn’t always disapproving of everything that Usagi did. Did Usagi really believe she disapproved of her that much?

Luna tried hard not to react to Usagi’s words, but she couldn’t stop the momentary flash of hurt before she carefully said, “I have always been very proud of you Usagi, even when I was scolding you. I know that I’ve told you that I was proud before. It isn’t something that I’ve neglected to tell you. I am sorry that you feel as if all I ever do is disapprove of you, that was never my intention. I happen to think that you are a very brilliant young woman with a very caring heart. You’ve grown into a capable woman and I apologize for making you think that you didn’t have the right to make your own mistakes and learn from them. I only ever wanted to do right by you . . . ”

She hung her head and sighed softly, regretting the way this conversation had turned out. “Thank you . . . ”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

"Yes, I've had that with friends but I never took it as an excuse to control their lives," Usagi replied shortly. "You know, Luna, I'm trying to be nice about this but it's hard. It's not what you're saying as much as how you're saying it, and I'm trying to remember that. But you can be so damn patronizing sometimes."

Usagi's ire increased as Luna basically threw the 'I'm sorry you feel what way' line at her and kept on trying to be so reasonable and logical about things. It only mad her angrier. Did Luna think that a few compliments now and staying calm could gloss over the fact that she had basically ordered Usagi to go see a doctor-- in this case Ami-- and get checked out? Luna didn't know anything-- not what she felt, or what was wrong, even if anything was. She had no right!

"Luna, I love you, I respect you, but don't think for a moment that just because I need your advice as Queen means I always want your unsolicited advice when it comes to my life or my feelings. So just... leave me alone!!" Usagi burst out.

"What time is this appointment?" she asked in a clipped tone. Hopefully it was sooner than later, she just wanted to get this over with and then pretend like the whole thing never happened.

[Luna]

“I . . .”

Luna fell silent before she completed her sentence, staring at the floor thoughtfully. Was she trying to control Usagi’s life? She didn’t really see it that way. She had only been trying to help, but perhaps . . . perhaps she was going about this all wrong. She tried to think back to everything she had said, everything she had done recently.

Perhaps she had been doing exactly as Usagi had said. She knew what was best for Usagi, wasn’t that what she had been saying and thinking? Technically speaking Usagi knew more about what was going on around the world then Luna could ever know. She knew more about what was going on in her mind and heart, something that Luna could only guess at.

Luna had come in here with the intention of telling Usagi that she knew something was wrong, but that it could be fixed. She would help her through whatever problems she was having. Perhaps she should have just come in here to talk with Usagi first before ever going to Ami. Better yet perhaps she should have just been on hand to listen if Usagi needed to talk, not demand explanations and insist that she would help her through them.

After a moment she glanced back up at Usagi sorrowfully and simply murmured, “You’re right. It’s not my place to tell you how you feel, or give you advice when you haven’t asked for it. It also wasn’t my place to go and talk to Ami without your consent and I apologize for that.”

Luna didn’t know what else to say. She could continue to apologize, but she didn’t see how that would help anything. Sighing softly she shrugged a little and murmured sadly, “I didn’t make an appointment. Ami said you could come by whenever you wanted.”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi fell silent for a moment. She had been expecting Luna to fight, to insist she was the wrong one, to rehash why it was acceptable for her to interfere in Usagi's life in such a way. She certainly never expected an apology, and suddenly felt a bit deflated. All of her righteous anger had been sucked out of her.

She wasn't sure what to do, if not to argue about this. Usagi was a forgiving person, but this wound felt different. It was old, and tender, and inflamed by recent events. Maybe she was saying all of the things to Luna that other people equally were deserving of hearing. Her familiar was simply a convenient target.

Usagi shook her head to clear it of these thoughts, tossing aside the folio and standing up with a sigh. She walked over to the chair Luna was perched on, running an affection hand over Luna's soft fur.

"I'll go see Ami the day after tomorrow, I think. And you're forgiven, Luna. You're proud, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I know it takes courage to apologize... and I really appreciate that. I wish I had been kinder in my responses, but it was hard to control." She could have been much more vehement, Usagi was glad she had kept most of the anger from coming out.

[Luna]

Luna purred softly the moment Usagi ran her hand over her fur. She was happy that she had been forgiven and hoped that things could only move forward from here on. There would be bumps along the road most likely, but hopefully things would work out.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you Usa, never. Your response was just fine, if it had been anything else I might not have listened.” She sighed to herself before adding, “I wish that I had listened a long time ago instead of just talking.”

Luna paused thoughtfully, murmuring “Things will change now though. I can’t promise that I won’t ever nag at you again, that’s just who I am.” She shifted uncomfortably for a moment before continuing, “I can promise to listen though. If I ever make you feel as if I’m trying to control you or just not listening to how you feel just tell me. I promise, I will listen.”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi paused, staring at Luna for a good moment, blinking slowly. She thought the cat had simply apologized for this once instance, not... Well, she never expected Luna to take her so seriously on this, to want to change everything.

"Luna, you really mean that?" Usagi asked incredulously, surprise dawning over her features.

Unbidden, tears pooled in her eyes. Usagi had gotten frustrated because she had no other venue, but she never imagined owning up to her feelings would exact such a dramatic change.

[Luna]

Luna blinked in surprise, of course she meant it. She wouldn’t have said it otherwise. The tears she saw swimming in Usagi’s eyes only made her feel worse. Again she really wished that she had listened a long time ago, perhaps some of the hurts she had managed to cause wouldn’t have been inflicted.

She nodded slowly and as sincerely as she could Luna said, “I mean it Usagi. I told you, I never meant to hurt you.”

Luna’s purr grew as she added, “Usagi, you mean more to me then anything. I won’t say like a daughter, you’ve had two great mothers and I wouldn’t ever want to take their place ... but a little sister or a niece or something. It doesn’t matter, the only thing that matters is that I’ve always cared about you. I was only trying to guide you, but somewhere along the line I guess that got tangled up in a desire to protect you from ever being hurt or making mistakes that would hurt you.”

She hesitated a bit before saying, “That was wrong of me. A person can’t grow without making their own decisions, making mistakes and learning from them or even finding out that they can do more then anyone ever thought they could including themselves. I never meant to take that away from you.”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi's lips twitched, though she knew Luna was trying to be serious. "Not my mother, but a parental guardian of sorts," she elaborated. "I actually think that familiar stands as its own special relationship, wouldn't you agree?"

She nodded slowly, glad Luna finally understood. "I can see that. And appreciate it, too. Though sometimes your protectiveness comes across more like disapproval. Ah, well."

As far as Usagi was concerned now, the subject was closed. Her feelings had been addressed, validated, now there was nothing left but to move on.

"All water under the bridge now. I love you, Luna."