1/1PM Here it comes Hotaru/Usagi

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Upon finally managing to leave the conference room, Usagi determined never to hold a meeting in that same chamber again. Not only had it absorbed copious amounts of bad juju, but, as Hotaru had proved, it was a place that would be easy for people to spy on. No, she'd stick to the sound-proofed rooms now. They would block people from spying, and from people to listen to her getting yelled at. She wasn't sure how far the sound had carried, but would not be surprised if a maid or two had their ears pressed to the wall. Security probably heard a few things as well, though at least they wouldn't tell... Though that didn't mean she wanted them to know.

Usagi had gone to the restroom to wash her face. There was a small bathroom attached to her office, but she wasn't going in to face Hotaru only to have to wash her face and then come back out. It was better to do it in the public restroom, and bum some mascara and powder off of one of her aides.

Freshened up, at least in appearance if not in spirit, she opened the door with a deep breath, stepping in and shutting it quietly behind her.

Nodding at the younger senshi, she strolled further into the room, seating herself in one of the chairs, crossing her ankles and tucking her legs underneath. She refused to let her shoulders sag, or her eyes lower.

"You were caught spying in the air duct." It wasn't a judgment, it as a plain statement of fact. "Why?"

Might as well let her state her feelings; Usagi was sure that no matter what, she'd receive an earful. Perhaps sooner would be better than later; if she tried to head off any more conflict, it would only come out eventually, and she was sure she'd lose her nerve to deal with it.

[Tomoe Hotaru]

Her purple eyes lifted as Usagi entered the room, watching every movement the Queen made, noting her expression as she tried to gauge the other woman's mood. It bothered her somewhat to realize how skilled Usagi had become at hiding her feelings- even from those closest to her. But even so, she couldn't conceal the tension she carried with her. A heavy burden rested on the blond young woman's shoulders, and Hotaru wished she knew how to help lift it a little.

She inwardly sighed; not only was Usagi probably on her last nerve, she suspected that the Inner Senshi had most likely said everything she wanted to herself. With that combined on top of her actions. . . Would she either be greeted with anger or an emotional break down of tears? She admitted, she was not certain, but tried to prepare herself for both.

"I was being excluded from senshi buisness." Straightening at Usagi's question, she lifted her gaze directly onto the Queen's lovely sapphire eyes. "I have been sensing something was not right, Usagi-chan, and I was quite right. With you and Mamoru breaking up, and then your life being threatened, it's no wonder I haven't been able to rest properly at night, plagued by an unease I didn't understand."

Her hands were clenching at her cloth covered knees, the nails threatening to break the skin even through the layer of protection and though she tried to relax her posture, she couldn't, her emotions fighting to rise. It wasn't like her- she was used to having to keep her feelings in check. Having them thrown so off kilter was distracting.

When she managed to compose herself enough to speak, her voice was small, barely a whisper, and even she was surprised by the deep hurt that rang clearly in her words. "Why was I not included? Have I failed you in some way? Displeased you? I know the Inners are those closest to you, but I had thought. . . "

She let the thought trail away, too embarrassed to continue. How could she admit that she felt a connection to the Queen she could not explain, not even to herself?

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi leaned back in the chair, carefully regarding the younger senshi as she started speaking. At first, it was those statements that came so naturally to Hotaru. She felt a large flash of annoyance run through her, but managed to not let it show. So, she was to blame for Hotaru's insomnia? Undoubtably, the girl had some talents by way of precognition, but this was ridiculous. Usagi wasn't sure how much Hotaru had heard, but the incident in question had happened over a year ago. Mamoru was recent, but when it came to security, there was always something going on, from the very beginning. If Hotaru was only losing sleep recently, perhaps it had more to do with her own life than Usagi's. Also, she was rather peeved that Hotaru seemed to think herself to be so linked to Usagi's mind and heart. So now she had to worry about keeping senshi awake at night just by having bad events in her life? Perhaps it was a feeling that carried over from the meeting with the inners; that she belonged to everyone but herself. Everyone seemed to want a piece of her recently, and seemed angry when she shared herself with others-- from her parents, to the inners, to the government and the public, now with Hotaru. When was she ever going to be free to make her own decisions, to do what she believed to be right, without pissing off somebody?

But saying any of that wouldn't help matters, especially since by Hotaru's body language hinted at her distress. Usagi found her gaze fixating on Hotaru's small hands, which seemed ready to hurt herself in the intensity of her feelings.

Taking a chance, she gently reached down and placed her own arresting hand on top of Hotaru's, wanting her to relax a bit. At her continued words, she found her annoyance melting away, her typical sympathy and affectionate nature rising to the surface.

"Let me make sure I understand you correctly," Usagi began slowly, not wanting to continue until she had everything clarified. "Because I did not invite you to the meeting," a statement of face, "you felt excluded and hurt." Acknowledgment of Hotaru's feelings. "You feel this way because your need to be included and a part of the senshi group is not being met." Identification of her emotional needs. "Is that right?" Verification.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, Hotaru. It was not my intention, but it did happen, and for that you have my sincere apologies. There are two reasons I did not invite you. I don't know how much you heard, so if I start talking about something you don't understand, let me know and I will backtrack and explain. The first reason is that the first part of the meeting dealt with an incident that occurred over a year ago. You were twelve at the time. My reasons for not telling the inner senshi at the time are quite different than my reasons for not telling you then. Frankly, I believed I owed them an explanation about that before I did you. If you knew it now, it would not make a difference; there was nothing to be done. And because of the nature of the issue, I did not feel comfortable discussing it with you before I had consulted your parents on the matter. You may be a sailor senshi-- and far more mature than I ever was at your age, but I still need to respect that boundary. The second reason is that the other half of the meeting-- because that revelation was only half of the reason I called it-- was the more mundane issue of setting up, or at least suggesting that we set up-- conventional security for the inner senshi. It would have been pointless for you to attend that; I can't do anything legally with that until, again, I have talked to your parents. I almost didn't invite Minako if not for the first half of the meeting, just because it would have been redundant for her to attend. So, my reasons for not including you on this particular issue really have nothing to do with my opinion of you or anything that you have done. Up until this afternoon, I've been nothing but pleased with you." She wanted to discuss why spying was wrong, that it had hurt her trust in Hotaru, but felt it wasn't the right time in the conversation to broach that issue.

"I didn't know that you would feel excluded, Hotaru. If I did, I would have talked to you. After all, the inners and I have been having meetings between just the five of us for years. It comes naturally; we don't even think about it anymore. I want to include you more, especially with the Shitennou." Again, there would be issues that would be specific to the inners or the outers, or to an individual senshi, but again, Usagi didn't think the conversation had reached that level yet.

"I have some questions for you. Why didn't you come and tell me how you felt? I wasn't trying to hurt you, so I didn't think that you would mind at all. I can't read your mind, Hotaru," Usagi said gently. "Sometimes we're going to have different opinions on these things, but the only way I can fix it is if you tell me, first. You could have even knocked on the doors and asked; we wouldn't have minded. If I knew then that this was the way you felt, I probably would have let you in!" It certainly would have interrupted the meeting less than spying would have!

[Tomoe Hotaru]

The touch of Usagi’s hand on hers startled her, her head lifting- she had expected distance. The fact that Usagi was attempting to comfort her gave her a small seed of hope. Hotaru did not expect to get out of this without some sort of scolding or perhaps even a punishment, but the mere show of the other woman’s gentle kindness made her body relax slightly, fingers easing their death grip on her knees. She could not help but adore her, this sweet gentle woman who had grown up so quickly and never stopped giving of herself to the world.

She knew it was presumptuous, not to mention selfish, to believe herself connected to Usagi in a special way. The Queen already had so many people making demands on her and her time, she didn’t have any to spare on a young teenager who believed they shared something that only they could understand. Inwardly she grimaced- maybe it was just wishful thinking on her part, wishing for someone to understand the weight of a power so great you could destroy everything with barely a thought, and yet just as easily heal it. Usagi, she had thought, understood that. But that didn’t mean there was any connection between them besides that of Queen and her guardian. She was glad that she had not said anything- it was bad enough being the youngest without them thinking she was a girl with an idol.

She could only nod mutely to each of Usagi’s statements, wondering suddenly if the Queen had taken a psychology course; it almost felt like she was in a therapy session, though one with someone who truly wanted to help her. “Yes,” she managed to say when Usagi had finished speaking. “I suppose that’s the basics of it.”

“I appreciate the apology,” she murmured quietly. “I know you didn’t intend for it to happen, but it did anyway- perhaps that fault is mine for over reacting and being overly sensitive. Too often in my life I’ve been shut out of things. . . and I suppose I panicked.” Sighing, she shook her head; was past was past- she shouldn’t dwell on it no matter how much it still haunted her. “I in return offer my apologies. I admit, I got caught up in my own hurt and didn’t consider the reasons behind your actions.” Taking a deep breath, she let her eyes slip upwards, biting down on her lip. “As much as I hate to say it, I can understand why you went to the Inners first. . . though I hope that the day may come when you feel as if you can come to me- or any of the Outers as well. This rift between the two groups has always bothered me, and I want to see it healed.” The last words came out in a rush, not certain as to how well Usagi would take them.

“A year ago. . .” Hotaru had not heard that part of the conversation, only the part about Usagi’s life being threatened. A slight flood of relief flowed through her, but it did not dispel her unease. “Forgive me- I know you have probably already had this reaction from the others and already explained yourself, but your life was threatened a year ago. . .and it took you this long to tell us? You could have- you could have-” Horrible images filled her mind of her glowing, radiant Queen cold and lifeless, her healing presence taken away in a heartbeat by a single bullet. Her trembling fingers tightened around the woman’s slender cool hands, her eyes blurring with moisture at the horrifying thought. She couldn’t allow such a thing to ever happen again.

Fighting to keep her composure, the young senshi focused on Usagi’s words, sighing at the mention of her parents. Though they would be understanding, she had a feeling that they would side with Usagi- as would most of the Senshi, apparently. She was still a minor, and they would make many decisions for her; never mind the fact that they had been minors and made life changing decisions themselves. The hypocrisy of it all stung, but she knew better than to argue the point- they wanted to make those choices so she didn’t have to, so that she could remain innocent longer, she knew that. But it was a constant struggle, to balance the adolescent body with the older soul within, a struggle to which she still had not found an adequate solution to.

Her breath caught at the mention of security for the inners. Good. They were in the public eye, and anyone who wanted to hurt Usagi would certainly not hesitate to do so through the senshi closest to her. But then another thought struck. “Does this mean . . . Please, don’t tell me I’m going to have a security guard following me to school.” The idea was horrifying because she knew her parents would support such a thing, but more so at the reaction her classmates would have. She was already so different from them, this would only make things worse.

“Then the blame for that rests on both of us. Me for not expressing well enough my desire to be included, and you for not letting me know there were issues I might want to be notified of.” She winced- that sounded too harsh. “I’m sorry, Usagi-chan, I didn’t mean it that way. Again, I realize you have more important things to worry about than me and my feelings. But I want to know what’s going on- I need to. I can’t do my duty to you and the others if I’m kept in the dark. I know so little about the Shitennou, and that they are such a role in my life now means I need to be informed, whether by yourself or one of the other senshi, I need to have a better idea of what I am dealing with.”

“Why. . .” Hotaru’s eyes closed, her emotions again struggling to break free of the strangle hold she had on them. “I did not. . . I was. . .” Exhaling, the words tumbled out before she could stop them. “I don’t know you well, Usagi, I admit that, and I truly want to remedy that, but there has never been the time. I didn’t know how to approach you about it, I did not know how you would react. I only heard when I was on my way to the library that a section of the palace had been cleared for a security meeting. I had no time to find you before hand to request permission, and when I finally managed to find where it was, there were two security men outside. My assumption was that if I tried to come in through the doors, I would have been sent away, told to go be a good girl until there was time for me, until it was decided what was appropriate for me to know. The others know their place in your court, Usagi. I still do not know what is to be expected of me, or what you would want of me. There was never a place for me in the Silver Millennium but a deep sleep that I only awakened from twice- once to pledge myself to you, and once to destroy the remains of the Moon Kingdom. I need to know- is there room for me here? Is there a place for me? Am I wanted? I don’t know the answers, Usagi-chan, and I’m afraid of what they might be.”

Her lips trembled. “And ever since last night. . . when I found out about you and Mamoru. . . I’ve had a hard time accepting and understanding it. Your relationships and choices are your own, my Queen, and I will stand by your decision no matter the consequences, please know that. My loyalty will always be to you, first and foremost, and I trust your judgment.” Her hands were trembling, as she recalled Minako’s request not to under any circumstances to bring up the daughter that Usagi was also grieving the loss of. There would be a time and place for that, and now was certainly not it when Usagi was already distressed. Hotaru knew that it was too late for some things, and what was done was done. There was no point in dredging up a matter that would only make the heartache worse.

[Neo Queen Serenity]

"Apology accepted," Usagi said with an affectionate smile. There was no better way to temper her own anger than a sincere apology and statement of one's feelings. As long as Hotaru got out all of the emotions behind her actions, the matter was closed, in Usagi's opinion.

Her eyebrows shot up at Hotaru's boldness when it came to the senshi working together, and she gave the younger girl's hands an affectionate squeeze. "That's my hope, too. It's bothered me as well. Actually, I think there's quite a bit to be said for getting all of the senshi to be closer to each other... and work with others outside our normal group," Usagi responded, her gaze far away for a moment as she recalled similar thoughts in the meeting with the inners. "But, had your parents been here, I would have invited them too. As for Setsuna..." Usagi shrugged. "Honestly, I never know what to tell her..." She was a bit all-knowing, it was hard to figure out when she needed to say anything at all.

Pangs of guilt echoed in her heart again, and detatched her hands from Hotaru's, placing them on her slender shoulders, and drawing Hotaru to her in an embrace. "...Died, yes." Usagi said simply. "And yes, it took me too long; I apologized to them for that. At first, I didn't think it would be safe to tell. And then, when it would have been, I simply forgot. Minako didn't believe me on that, but it's true. That time was difficult-- it feels like there's so much time missing. Everything was happening at once, I guess you could say. It's not an excuse, but it is what happened. It wrong of me, I know."

Usagi bit her lip at Hotaru's breath catching in her throat; she misintrepeted it for trepidation instead of agreement. "You disapprove?" she asked, still open to another opinion on that matter. "And... Well it won't be that bad," she said, trying not to laugh at Hotaru's outburst. She thought it was cute, so very adolescent-- in a good way. "No, I imagine you wouldn't even notice security at your school, it's be very low profile. We wouldn't want to interupt class in anyway. As for here at the Palace, and around town... well, like I said, it's not that bad. You can make friends with them; I did. It's a bodyguard, not a chaperone," she said.

"I will certainly try to be sensitive to your feelings in the future," Usagi agreed, though she wasn't going to take half the blame for Hotaru's spying jaunt. She hurt the girl's feelings, that she would accept resposibility for, even though it wasn't intended. But she didn't know what she could have done, with the knowledge she had at the time, to preempt such a venture. "And for clarity's sake, the meeting had nothing to do with the Shitennou. I did intend to talk to you individually about that particular issue," Usagi explained. "And I most certainly have time for you and your feelings! I will always make time for you, Hotaru."

She fell silent again, listening to the girl pour her heart out. Swallowing hard, she tried to keep a rein on her own emotions, feeling tears well up in her eyes. Usagi was very sensitive to other's emotions, and it was hard for her not to cry when someone else was. "Hotaru... You will never be turned away. Not even by security, they know well enough to let you through. I've made my expectations on that clear with them." She put a finger under Hotaru's chin, wanting the younger senshi to look her directly in the eyes. "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, including yourself. There are limitations that come with age, true enough. But that doesn't mean that you are unwanted, undesirable, or useless. Very much the opposite. I know this is difficult for you, but I didn't know how much until you just told me. Try to understand that this is new for me, too? The other senshi--" she hesitated, feeling that it would be unfair to divulge too much, "--well, they're not immune to some of the feelings you have now. This isn't the Silver Millenium, as you said. This has never be done before, not just your role, but everything here is new. I already have-- and will continue to make mistakes. I can only do the best I can. I may make choices that you might not agree with, but I promise that I will always listen to you and consider your feelings. But I need your help, Hotaru. I'm not always going to know how you're feeling, or be able to anticipate how you might feel when I make a decision. That's why I need you to be bold. Don't be afraid to come to me and express your feelings, that's the only way I can fix things, after all. Take control of your own place here! Take the initiative. I think we'll both be the better for it, if you do. And I'll promise you again, from now on I will do my best to be more sensitive to your feelings."

Her lips drew into a thin line as Mamoru's name drew another slash across her heart. It seemed like she could not escape him this morning-- the senshi all seemed to manifest him as as spectre hanging over her. Usagi inhaled, counted to three, and then exhaled. "You're thinking of Chibi-Usa, aren't you?" she asked plainly. No need to skirt around the issue, it was obvious. Chibi-Usa was closest to Hotaru, they had a very special friendship. How could she not? "Hotaru... The problem with this is that I feel like I've shattered everyone's future, that my relationship... well, it didn't really just belong to me, did it? You've only had second-hand information... Go ahead, just ask me whatever you want to. I don't want you to hold onto the issue... Just let it out," she said, bracing herself.

[Tomoe Hotaru]

“It can be hard to know what to say to Setsuna-mama,” Hotaru agreed softly, smiling at Usagi’s statement. “I never know what she knows, and what she needs to be told. Sometimes I think it’s just best to start telling her, and if she doesn’t need to know, she’ll say something. At least, that’s the best way I’ve found to deal with it.” The mention of her missing parents made her heart contract- they had been gone for a long time. For what purpose, they hadn’t really told her. Her thoughts were that it was a mission of some sort for Usagi, but she didn’t want to bring it up. It was beside the point- what mattered to her was that the Queen would have invited them in, and she was relieved to know that she shared the dream of uniting the two senshi groups.

Her amethyst eyes flew wide open as Usagi pulled her close and held her. For a moment she held herself rigidly, still shocked, but then she closed her eyes, allowing herself to be hugged, burying her nose against the other woman’s shoulder and inhaling deeply in an attempt to banish the horror of the image in her mind of her Queen, dead and gone as she listened to her attempt to explain. “Maybe you were afraid to admit it or even speak of it to anyone- that makes it all too real.” She let out a breath shakily, her fingers tightening momentarily before relaxing her hold, voice small. “Please. . . don’t ever not tell us again. I don’t know if I could bear it if something were to happen to you, Usagi-chan.”

“No,” she countered hastily. “No, I don’t disapprove. Especially not in light of what you’ve just told me. If your life has already been threatened, it stands to reason that the lives of the others would be as well, certainly those of us who are more in the public eye than others.” She felt her cheeks heat up at Usagi’s obvious amusement to her reaction, trying to cover up by fussing with the ends of her black hair. “That’s good. . . I can’t really see that anyone would want to kill me-” The words stuck in her throat as she realized that wasn’t quite true; she had been marked for death before. “Hurriedly before the Queen could note her lapse in speech continued. “You’re lucky to have the ability to make friends easily- I doubt anyone who gave you a fair chance could not be won over. “She shook her head slightly, raising an eyebrow. “So then if I am to have a bodyguard, he- or she I suppose- wouldn’t be reporting to you, Lucan, or my parents about things I did or didn’t do?” This was hard for her to come close to accepting, particularly considering her age.

Again her heart clenched in her chest, her lip trembling slightly. “I appreciate that,” she whispered quietly. “I don’t want to be a burden to you- or any of the others for that matter. But I don’t want to be coddled and kept out of things either. I. . .” Her voice trailed off, staring down at her feet. “I don’t want to take up your time,” she finished lamely.

Attempting to swallow her tears, she lifted her eyes to meet Usagi’s gaze. “You really told security that? I didn’t know you would do such a thing. . . I didn’t know you would do such a thing for me.” She fumbled in her pocket for a handkerchief, pulling it out to dab at her eyes as she listened to the blond speak, sniffing as she attempted to rein her emotions in and bring them back into some semblance of control. It seemed beyond her ability at the moment- she didn’t know what it was about Usagi that allowed her to be honest not only with the Queen, but to herself. “I’ve always been unwanted from the time of my birth, and even my rebirth here. It wasn’t until you saved me that things changed, it was not until you and Chibi Usa that anyone even thought anything but ill of me. I haven’t become used to feeling otherwise . . .” Sighing she folded her hands in her lap. “My self esteem could certainly use a boost, wouldn’t you say?” A weak smile twitched her lips at her frail attempt to lighten the mood.

Blinking, Hotaru stared at Usagi, marveling again; not many rulers would admit to mistakes, or even that they could be wrong, let along human. Trust Usagi to be completely and totally different from everyone else. “I trust you,” she managed to say hoarsely, her voice a bit uneven from her tears, but clear and strong nonetheless. “I always have- whether I agree with all your decisions or not. I don’t know what help I could possibly offer you in a time of coming peace, but I’m at your service, always. I’ve been trying my best to think of something I can do, but I’m at a complete loss. I want to help, more than anything. Finding a way is the struggle- especially something that won’t cause objections from anyone.”

“Yes,” was her quiet answer. “I can’t help but think of her after such a revelation- one that is full of gaping holes, I admit. Minako seemed reluctant to speak of it, and I was too shocked to press her for answers at the time.” Hotaru bit her lip, trying to speak carefully, not in an attempt to avoid the issue, but to not hurt Usagi’s feelings. “As hard as it may be for all of us to accept, no relationship that any of us have will ever belong solely to ourselves, though yours more than anyone else’s, you are right. The relationship you have-had,” she corrected herself with a pang, “is the reason any of us are here. To learn that a bond that held us all together for so long has been shattered . . . it’s not easy to accept, Usagi-chan. The only thing I can think to ask is why? What could possibly be so horrible that you two would chose to be apart, and can not be solved by staying together?” Her mouth quivered, and the shell of control cracked, a twinge of anger mixing with sorrow. “And is the friend I’ve looked forward to be reunited with lost to me?” Pearly drops of moisture spilled down her cheeks, her voice breaking.

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi returned Hotaru's smile and nodded back hesitantly. "That probably is the best way to deal with it, I'll most likely take a leaf out of your book and start going about it that way."

As soon as the younger girl relaxed, Usagi drew her fingers through Hotaru's silky black hair, a gesture that simply came naturally to her. "Yes, I suppose in a way that was true... I was afraid that talking about it would make it real for someone else. I was paranoid, and not thinking straight; it's really that simple. And I really did forget after that." Both were difficult to believe, with the benefit of hindsight, but at the time she had been swimming through a sea of emotions, and her decisions reflected that. "I won't," she promised quietly. "I've learned from my mistake."

Usagi smiled with relief at Hotaru's approval; any approval at all was a welcome reprieve and a bolster to her very low mood. But she frowned quickly after, trying to figure out how to phrase this. "Things-- well, specifically, threats, happen everyday, you know," she said, not wanting Hotaru to think that the incident she overheard was the only threat, ever. It was just one of the most dramatic of them. "We receive letters, break up plots... all the time." Unbidden, a smile did begin to creep across her lips as Hotaru continued. "It's not an ability, per say, it's really a skill... everyone can learn it," Usagi remarked, certain that Hotaru could, and would, make friends-- perhaps she already had, Usagi had no way of knowing. But Hotaru did seem shy. "Save for something you did that was highly dangerous or illegal, no. Security is very discreet, otherwise they couldn't be trusted, and they're there to keep you safe, not babysit you or spy on you. They'd report some details to Lucan, such as what arrangements they will need for security purposes, but not what you're doing or why. They wouldn't even tell me if I asked, that would be unprofessional for them."

Usagi sighed, wondering how Hotaru got it in her head that she was a burden or a distraction or anything else. "Hotaru," she said, her voice crisp and incandescently clear. "Look at me. You are not, and never will be a burden. Time spent with you is a privilege, do you understand me? A privilege. Let me determine how to spend my own time. You just come to me when you need to... okay?" she said, her face breaking into a warm smile once again.

She nodded slowly. "Yes, I told them that, and to be honest you'd probably not have run into problems with security anyway. They're bodyguards, not bouncers... I told the same thing to my staff, and the political advisors are the ones you're more likely to run into barriers with, unlike the Secret Service, they like to think they know what I should be doing with my time and who I should and should not be seen with. Access... is power here," Usagi said with a frown. "So if you ever come in and some aide or advisor gives you any grief, then don't listen, you don't answer to them." Her jabbering faded off as Hotaru continued to speak, and Usagi's eyes darkened. How could anyone not want Hotaru? The very idea was alien to her, every human being should be desired. She didn't recall much of the Silver Millenium, which made answering Hotaru harder. "I can't speak for the past, only the present and future. You are very much wanted, now and forever. It's as simple as that." She didn't answer Hotaru's quip about self-esteem. If that were to happen, it would happen gradually, but at least the other girl was aware of it.

Usagi found herself shrugging. "It may not be a time of coming peace... There's plenty of conflict to go around, I'm sure. I can't offer you anything specific, just... do better than I did in school," she laughed. "And find something you're passionate about. It's when passion meets the world's needs that you'll know what you're supposed to do. Don't rush it, these things take time to figure out. And I'll need your help with the Shitennou now, anyway."

Is was worse than she could have imagined. Usagi closed her eyes, unable to keep them open any longer to look at Hotaru's pain. 'The bond that held them all together?' How was she supposed to respond to that? She had shattered 'the bond that held them all together...' She was responsible for the misery in front of her, and seeing it tore at her. This was all her fault; she had to grip the back of her chair to keep from tearing out of her seat and running to Mamoru and agreeing to marry him just because of those simple words. What right to self-autonomy did she have when her relationship was 'the bond that held them all together!'

She found herself crying too. It was all she could do for several minutes. Usagi felt absolutely defeated in every possible way. It felt as if she had truly lost everything, and not because someone had taken it away from her, but because of her own actions, and because she had tried to the do the right thing-- even if hindsight proved her wrong.

"When I came to Crystal Tokyo," Usagi found herself speaking, bewildered as the words that came out of her mouth were so different from the subject at hand, "when I met the future King Endymion, he told us that Neo Queen Serenity--" how difficult now to refer to herself in third person! "--was crowned when she was 22 years of age, and gave birth to the crown princess, and since then, stopped aging. I was crowned at 23 years of age. Even before Mamoru and I broke up, we weren't married, and I wasn't pregnant... I don't know what would have happened in the future," she finished. "With Chibi-Usa, I mean. I assumed that she would be born, that maybe it would take longer because the past has been changed, but I'm beginning to think-- well, I don't know. So much-- so much..." she inhaled quickly, trying to get her bearings. "That's neither here nor there, is it? That's not what you're asking. I'm just saying... when it comes to her... I don't know, I just don't."

She found herself studying her fingernails, shoulder shaking with the effort it took to contain her sobs. "You want to know why. Minako mentioned the Shitennou, I suppose, perhaps she mentioned that Mamoru kept hem a secret. That would be bad enough, but there's more... Of course, I'm very much at fault for this. Mamoru doesn't seem to understand the distinction between secrecy and privacy, and while he is entitled to his privacy, he is not entitled to secrets, any more than I am. And it's a distinction I never bothered to make clear to him. I was pretty much your age when we go together, you know. And you won't understand this until you're ten years older, but when you're young-- you don't always know what to do or expect when it comes to relationships. So much of what I wanted, what I thought I needed-- came from manga and movies rather than reality.

"Mamoru was a secretive person, Tuxedo Kamen was like that when it came to the Nijizuishou... When we broke up, before I knew you-- he kept his reason a secret. Each time there were secrets, I had to be the one to figure it out, to chase after him, and it was the same with the Shitennou-- he would never tell me of his own free will, I had to find out, some way or another--" she declined to mention Rei's role, not wanting to have to explain Hiroki, knowing that there would be details she'd have to skim over in that case.

"I always believed that Mamoru would grow out of that tendency, that as we got to know each other, he would trust me with his secrets and would stop keeping things from me. Because I pursued him so hard, he never faced any consequences for that. I suppose it was natural for him to keep the Shitennou a secret, and expect me to be alright with it, or at least to get over it and just chase after him again. But I didn't-- for so many reasons when it comes to this. It wasn't just the fact that he kept it a secret, though, most of the problems came afterward. It was the way he treated me-- it was the fact that he didn't seem to care about me or the senshi and how this affected us, it was all about him. I talked to him last night, you know, and while he handled it better, he said he wouldn't apologize for it, only for keeping the secret for so long.

"I saw-- the man I saw that night was not the man I thought I loved-- that man scared me. And because of this revelation I've realized several things. One, that I do not really know who Chiba Mamoru is, and that if he's the angry belligerent who talked to me that night, I'm not sure I want to anymore. And I realized that after ten years, I'm not likely to ever know who Chiba Mamoru is, if I don't now. I have made mistakes myself-- but I've fought very hard for us in the past, and I've given all that I know how to gift. And it's not enough, and I don't love him; know him. That's why. There are consequences to things like this... And one of them is that we can't be together anymore. I'm not going to pretend to love him when I don't, or accept this behavior; he needs to take responsibility for all of it and then realize that he has to try not to do it again, and I'm not sure that will ever truly happen. If I were to stay with him now-- it'd just be-- it'd be a big lie, to everyone, most of all myself. What... what I saw then scared me. I wasn't afraid for myself, not in the way people think fear is, I was afraid of what he was... capable of, when it came to others, because he was so angry, so fast. And... and I can't imagine having to face that again, in a marriage, where there would be no way out, or... or with a child." She probably wasn't making any sense to Hotaru now. "I hate saying all this, I'm probably making him out to be worse than he is, but that's how I felt then, and now. You say that and I think that perhaps for everyone I should just suck it up and go back to him, no matter how I feel..."

[Tomoe Hotaru]

“Don’t let it intimidate you,” Hotaru encouraged Usagi with a earnest nod. “As all knowing as she may seem, Setsuna-mama doesn’t want us to treat her any different. If she doesn’t need you to explain something, she’ll let you know. And really. . . I don’t think she knows everything. She knows what’s already past, for sure. But the future? I sometimes think she can only see so far, and probably only the path we’re on at the time. But since Setsuna-mama enjoys being a little mysterious, I doubt she’d tell anyone directly but you.”

The feel of fingers gently smoothing her hair calmed her even more, banishing any lingering fears she might have that Usagi would not forgive her, and the last fringes of old nightmares, resting her head contentedly against the woman’s shoulder. It reminded her of how much she missed her mother, missed being held and spoken to with soft, unconditional love and kindness. The Queen’s promise calmed her, and she was relieved to hear it, letting the matter go. Hotaru would trust her, and let the matter be. After facing the Inners and now her, she believed that Usagi would not keep such things from them again. “I’ll hold you to that promise.”

Her lightened mood lowered slightly, sobering at the blond’s next words. Intellectually, she supposed she did know that threats would happen all the time to any person in power, but it was still a horrible realization to apply it to not only Usagi but to the rest of her sisters as well. “And Lucan. . . he takes care of this for you, correct? The letters, and such. He has been making sure that none of this comes near you?” Inwardly she made a note to approach the security man and thank him. He had been keeping them all safe and she had not even been aware of it. She would be sure to properly express her gratitude to him the next time their paths crossed- hopefully it wouldn’t be in an incident identical to him yanking her out of a hiding place by her ankle. “A skill you have in great amounts,” she murmured, unable to keep the admiration from her tone. “Not many have the power to touch people the way you do, and make them friends.” She listened closely and nodded at Usagi’s explanation, unable to help but feeling surprised as well as contented knowing that any shortcomings and mistakes she made wouldn’t be broadcasted to everyone by whatever bodyguard she might have. “Then I will be more than willing to back you on a decision for such security measures. If you are targeted, it’s only a matter of time before we are as well. I don’t want any more close encounters for any of my family.”

The firm words were delivered with such force and honesty it caused her emotions to twist; why was it so hard for her to accept this? “You really mean that?” she murmured, her voice small, and suddenly very unsure. “There are so many people making demands on you and your time. I don’t want to be one more on the list.”

“Political advisers?” Her amethyst eyes darkened, growing cold as Usagi talked. How dare they tell the Queen what to do and who to see? The very idea of it infuriated her; they were advisers to help a learning young Queen, not parents, and they had no place telling Usagi of all people to do anything! They were meant to guide and counsel, not chide and berate. “I will,” she answered quietly, her voice containing a dangerous edge. “I may be slightly intimidated by hulking men in suits with guns, but advisers don’t frighten me in the slightest. If I can be of any help where they are concerned, just say the word.”

Her hands tightened and loosened, managing a slight nod, not trusting her voice past the lump of emotion in her throat. She didn’t know how much Usagi remembered of the past- her own memories of it were probably even worse. The clearest memories were those of fear and rejection, crying as she asked why, why was she being punished, she’d be good, she promised. . . Snapping herself back to the present, she couldn’t keep her voice from trembling. “I don’t think you know how much that means to me, to hear you say that, Usagi-chan.” Her fingers curled around the other woman’s, holding on lightly, tentatively, not sure if such an action would be considered awkward.

“Conflict is different than war,” she stated softly, reassuringly. “It is different than the war we have fought for many years.” She couldn’t help but smile when Usagi laughed and mentioned her own schooling. “School isn’t everything- some of the most intelligent people got the worst grades. Not that I don’t plan on trying my best,” she added hastily. “Mama and Papa expect it after all, and I certainly want to be a credit to you and the court.” She nodded slowly, biting her lip. “I don’t know that I have passion yet, but you’re right, it takes time I suppose. It’s frustrating waiting though. . .” The Shitennou. There they were again; what threat did they pose that made Usagi so on edge? She only knew a little, so very little.

When Usagi dissolved into tears, it was all Hotaru could do to not to throw herself at her feet and take it all back, her heart breaking and instantly berating herself. How could she have said such things, after the kindness and understanding Usagi had shown her when she did not deserve it? Her own sobs seemed to increase, as if the Queen had broken some barrier within herself, and she found herself wishing she had listened to Minako, no matter what Usagi had insisted. It wasn’t worth it- Usagi’s happiness meant more to Hotaru than her own. Fumbling into her pocket she pulled out two of the handkerchiefs Setusna-mama had given her, silently holding one out to Usagi while lowering her head to mop the pearly moisture from her own eyes.

When the muffled crying slowed and Usagi began to speak, Hotaru lifted her head, sniffling as she focused on the sapphire sky eyed woman, attention riveted, letting her explain herself. “I don’t know either,” she whispered. “You’re probably the only one besides Mamoru who can understand what it means to me to know that she might not-” She broke the words off, the stab of pain from them almost too much to bear. “But I need to know- if she is not going to be in our future- as the Chibi Usa I know- then I have to know as soon as possible. I can’t- I can’t let go and move on with my life if I’m clinging to an irrational belief that she will come and be the same girl I love and miss.” The very words made her cringe and hunch over, not wanting to speak them, not wanting to accept it. She wanted to curl up and let misery take her- how could she even consider letting her go? How??

Quietly, Hotaru listened to Usagi’s explanation, her arms wrapped around herself, as if trying to keep from falling apart or flying into pieces. She hated more that she understood exactly why Usagi had done what she had; it made her anger and sadness feel wrong and unjustified, and she wanted to be angry, wanted to rage and scream and demand. But she couldn’t. Because she understood what it meant to suddenly realize that the most important man in your life was an absolute stranger.

“I can’t tell you what to do about this,” she whispered at last. “Mamoru is very much a stranger to me, and I know next to nothing about him, other than he’s always been loyal to you first and forever. I can only tell you honestly what I think, and let you decide if it’s of any worth. I don’t know anything about love, besides that of observing the people around me. One of the most important things I’ve learned is that the only way to make something work is to stay where you are and work it out. Nothing can be accomplished by fleeing and shutting someone out of your life.” Squeezing her eyes shut, she twisted the tear dampened handkerchief tightly, staring down as she spoke, not sure how her words would be taken. “If Papa and Mama broke up every time something went bad or they kept secrets from each other, they would be breaking up every other week.”

Swallowing, Hotaru felt her voice wobble as she tried to continue. “You say these things about him, and such things can only be said by a person who really knows the other- the ones closest to you always know your worst faults. You say that you don’t know him- I believe that’s not the case. You’ve seen Mamoru’s anger, however, I’m guessing that it was never directed at you before that night. Maybe you didn’t know how to handle it, maybe you were hurt and angry too, I don’t know. I don’t know anything about what happened between you, and I’m not going to pry. But how can you work it out if you’re not together?” Her eyes were dark and emotionally weary as she rubbed a hand across her pale brow. “From what little I’ve heard, the Shitennou are to Mamoru what we Senshi are to you, Usagi-chan. If it were the other way around- if you were protecting us and he did something to make you feel as if he were threatening us, would you not react the same way?” She leaned forward, resting her head on in her palm, elbow propped on her knee. “We all have our secrets. I’m not saying that Mamoru was right to keep them. . . but it might help if you understand why he did.”

“It’s a mature way of thinking of things,” was her quiet response. “It makes sense, as much as I regret to admit it. But maybe. . . adults spend too much time trying to think of things rationally, realistically. I don’t think you should let go of the innocent imaginings of love you had when you were my age, Usagi-chan. There is as much truth in an innocent’s idea of love as there is in an adult's.”

Her stomach lurched, and she clutched at the sides of her chair to keep the room from spinning. “No,” she said harshly, surprised at how forceful the word came. “Don’t say things like that. You’re the most unselfish, self sacrificing person I’ve ever known, but you should not disregard your feelings about the matter, no matter how miserable it may make me or the others. You have the right to be happy- whether or not it’s with Mamoru. I’m unhappy and devastated- I’m not going to lie. I want more than anything right now to be able to tell you that you’re wrong, that you’re making the wrong decision and to stop it, but I can’t do it, because I trust you, because your happiness matters more than mine.” She lifted a hand sharply to forestall an objection. “Don’t say it, please. If you’re not happy, none of us are going to be happy.” A strangled sound, half sob half laugh escaped her, and she buried her face in her hands. “Listen to me- I’m angry at you for not staying with him, but I tell you not to do something just to make the rest of us happy.” Hiccuping, she shook her head. “I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. . .”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi smiled, a little relieved to hear Hotaru's take on things. "That's good to know. Maybe it will sound strange, but I actually feel better hearing that... That she doesn't know everything about the future." It made destiny-- if destiny even truly existed, and Usagi was now a firm believer that it either did not exist or was far more malleable and elastic than anyone suspected-- a little less powerful. And it seemed that she had more choice. Usagi liked that. It was a comforting feeling, to know that you had some say over your own life. Heraclitus said that 'A man's character is his fate,' or so it was said in a movie-- Usagi was hardly knowledgeable on pre-Socratic philosophy. However, no matter the venue she heard the quote, she thought it was true. Their fates rested on who they were and the choices they made.

"That is correct," Usagi replied. "That and things like it." Hotaru was so reasonable about the whole thing that she relaxed, considerably. The younger girl was certainly very mature. At the mention of a threat to her family, her face darkened. "Yes, that has been my concern as well... For my family, too. But they refused my offer of protection." It was one worry on the back of her mind, but she refused to voice it right now other than what she already said.

"Hotaru," Usagi said, unable to keep a small note of exasperation from creeping into her voice. "Yes, I am sure. I wouldn't have said it if I was not sure. And I'll keep saying it, if that's what I take, but please, take me at my word. You're important, I have plenty of time for you, always."

She couldn't help but laugh at Hotaru's infuriated expression. "Don't get the wrong idea. Advisors can be annoying, but they're trying to protect me in a political way-- though they can get carried away now and then. They're not all bad." There were some that she kept around for their policy chops, not their people skills-- she could tell that one or two didn't like her, and the feeling was mutual. But they were good at what they did, and so Usagi kept them around. She wasn't going to staff her administration with yes-men.

When Hotaru's fingers closed around her hand, Usagi gently squeezed back, not responding verbally. There was no need to.

"It is indeed different from the types of wars we have fought," Usagi agreed. "It's not as a big or as consuming as the senshi wars or Beryl, but... Well, you can't put a price on human suffering, I think. It's a different kind of war, a war of attrition." She shrugged, not wanting to get into it too much, smiling at Hotaru's remark about the smartest people getting bad grades. "I don't know what your parent's expectations are, but don't worry about being a credit to the court and all that. You just do your best, and actually learn, that's all I care about. And if school doesn't work for you, ask for help or something different-- provided your parents would be agreeable. I just don't think any student should be locked into one school system or way of getting an education if it isn't working.'

Usagi accepted the handcherchief, wiping her eyes and grimacing at the black smudges that appeared on the cloth. Apparently her mascara had been running. She watched Hotaru's carefully, slowly shaking her head. "I just don't know about the future, about Chibi-Usa. Even if everything went as planned, would you really have that same friendship? You would be almost thirty by the time she was your age now... Would age have changed how you two interacted? I can't say. All I know is... you shouldn't have to know before you can 'move on with your life.' Why are you waiting around for Chibi-Usa, Hotaru? It's one thing to look forward to her coming and her friendship, but it's another to hang your life, your relationships on just her. There are people right here, right now, that need your love and attention, who can love and support you right back. Your life has already begun, it wouldn't begin when Chibi-Usa showed up."

However, at Hotaru's continued words, Usagi withdrew a bit. She had told the girl so that she would know why, because it obviously mattered to her. She had not been asking for advice or even, really, an opinion. She wanted Hotaru to be able to voice her feelings and have them validated, but she was not the best person to to listen or validate, because it was her life, her feelings that were being judged.

"When I was your age, I would have said the same thing too. And I still believe it's very much true. You have to be committed to solving problems together. I believe I've shown that commitment, I've been with him for ten years, after all," Usagi said simply. "This is not the first test of our love, or even the first internal one. However, I'm not sure that you really understand the situation... This is not a problem to be solved. Leaving him is my solution to the problem. As I said, there are consequences." She didn't elaborate, she knew that Hotaru would not understand. But she hoped that the younger girl would know enough not to argue. She had to admit that she resented being compared to Haruka and Michiru. This was not a trivial thing, or a simple fight.

"I never saw Mamoru angry like that. And if I had seen him angry as he was with me, with someone else, I would have left him then. That kind of destructive anger is unacceptable no matter who it is directed at." She was not defensive, merely weary of hearing the same old things. "I talked with him last night, too. We've had more than one conversation over this. My decision then,without an argument, was reaffirmed twice over last night. I can understand how he feels, and why he did what he did. Understanding is different from accepting."

However, another smile did peak through at Hotaru telling her to keep some of her innocent feelings on love. "I think there are something thoughts that are worth keeping. Like believing that love can be forever-- and that it will be unconditional. But believing that feelings of love can last forever, or that all love will be unconditional-- that's best left in the past."

Usagi shook her head vehemently at Hotaru's speech. "My happy is not more important!" she protested, despite Hotaru's instruction not to. "I won't say it's less important. But it's not more." She sighed heavily. "Hotaru, I'll be honest. I told you because I wanted you to know why. Not because I wanted advice or help. I am up to my ears in advice about this. I tried to explain the most important parts, but there are some things that must remain between Mamoru and I. I know what I'm doing. I didn't do it spontaneously, or out of anger, or because I wanted to be spiteful, or because I was too lazy to work it out with him. I did it because, difficult though it was, and even though everyone else may disagree with me-- it was right thing to do. And I remain as ever convinced that it still is."

[Tomoe Hotaru]

Hotaru nodded a little, glad to see Usagi smiling. “I don’t believe the future is as easy and neatly laid out as we believe. That’s the problem with knowing the future- we see the destination, but not the path to get there.” A soft little sigh escaped her. “Something I’m guilty of, I’m afraid. I’d heard so much about the future from everyone that I assumed it was solid and unchangeable. I’d forgotten that it wasn’t.” Her slim shoulders rose and fell in a small shrug. “I still believe though that some things are certain, destined if you will. We have choices and freedom, but there are some things that are meant to happen.”

Hearing that the others had refused the protection worried her, and felt an icy tremor of fear close around her. “They- refused?” Horror flooded her, and she shook her head frantically, trying to cage the emotion. The senshi were powerful- but so was Usagi, and look at what had almost happened to her. The others shouldn’t take their safety so lightly. If something were to happen to them, there would be no one left to look after their Queen. “Are you going to let them refuse?” she inquired quietly. She knew Usagi would probably avoid using her authority over the senshi, but if worse came to worse, she would rather the Queen force them then have a tragedy. Whether or not Usagi would do it was an entirely different matter. She’d always given the senshi their freedom to agree or disagree with her- would she have to start making commands now?

Her dark head lowered in a slight nod to hide the emotion that flickered across her face. “I’ll try.” Her eyes were burning, heart aching. Each time Usagi said that, it became a little more real, made her feel that it could be true. Maybe one day, the words would stick and she’d really believe them herself. “I appreciate it- I truly do.”

Usagi’s laugh dispelled the cold rage, and Hotaru relaxed, reassured. “As long as they do their job and you feel you can rely on them, that is what matters. Though never hesitate to tell any of us if you feel unsure about any of them” She sighed, shaking her head. “Sorry for jumping to conclusions- I just worry. Too much, I suppose, and that comes from a lack of familiarity and experience. I know next to nothing about politics or government- as my teacher for that subject will only be too eager to tell you. Luna suggested I should get a tutor, and I’m beginning to think it’s a wonderful idea all the time.”

She nodded, wondering if Usagi knew just how wise she was becoming- so insightful and thoughtful, kind and. . . . Her lips curved into a real smile. She really was a wonderful Queen, and Hotaru felt so proud and happy in that moment that her concerns were almost forgotten. “You’re right, of course. People in pain- no matter what the source- cannot be overlooked. I think in some ways this is more challenging than the fighting we’ve done before. Those were physical battles while these. . . these are something different. I’m not sure most of us know how to shift from the different battlefields as well as we should.” Smiling, she sighed, shaking her head. “It’s not that Papa and Mama are overly strict with my grades, there’s just so much they think I should be doing. It’s sometimes hard to make everything fit.” Her hands twisted slightly, her eyes sliding away. “I have considered asking to be home schooled,” she admitted reluctantly, feeling as if saying it was some sort of failure on her part. “It’s hard to go and have them all staring at me- like I’m some sort of idol like Minako, or a mass murderer. I’ve wondered if it might be better for everyone if I took my lessons here. . .”

Dabbing at her own eyes, Hotaru shook her head at Usagi’s question. “I don’t know,” she said softly. “I’ve thought about that too- if things would be different, if I’m going to be different, if that’s why she didn’t know me then. And even worse- I can’t help but wonder if the future she came from was lost to us before I even met her- too many things changed after we learned about the future. Would you have allowed everything with the Black Moon to happen, allowed people to die, just so Chibi Usa would go to the past? I can’t imagine that any of us would, and I didn’t even think of it until recently. I- I keep wondering what the point was, of us meeting her if she was never going to exist for us in this time to begin with.” The words hurt to say, and she fought back to the tears. “She was the first friend I ever had, who really understood me. I don’t know how to. . .” She exhaled, trying to find the words to explain. “I disagree- my life really didn’t begin until I met her- and through her, you. I drifted without a sense of purpose, like a ghost or some hollow shell just existing- I can’t call that a life when it was so empty. In her I had a companion who understood what it meant to be a senshi, and the youngest in the group. The loss of that- it’s not something any of the rest of you can help me with.”

She flinched as if she had been slapped, withdrawing into herself rapidly; she knew Usagi hadn’t meant to be harsh, but it still hurt, though she tried to hide it. As hard as it was, she understood why she had received the reaction she did. The others were old enough to give Usagi advice, whether she wanted it or not. Hotaru, however, was still young enough that she could be dismissed easily, whether her words had any truth or not. Yet again, age shot her down- it wouldn’t matter if she was right. She was young, had not had a romantic relationship, therefore, she did not understand by default. It didn’t matter that she had seen by the flash of Usagi’s eyes at Mamoru the night of the ball that the Queen was still very much in love with him; there was no proof other than what she sensed, and that was not something she could use as a shard of proof.

“I’m sorry,” she managed to say quietly, masking the hurt beneath a smooth face, eyes fixed on her knees so they wouldn’t betray her with the returning glitter of moisture. “I only wanted to help - but I’m obviously not succeeding. I won’t say anything more- I’ll leave it to the other senshi.” She let out a slow breath, her fingers fiddling with the cuff of her long black sleeved shirt. Usagi’s words sounded almost as if she were trying to convince herself, as well as Hotaru, that she was certain, but she didn’t say it. She had said her part, and had been dismissed, but at least it had been said, and that was what mattered. Hopefully, they would at least be remembered. “If you don’t want my advice. . . then what do you want? What can I do for you that the others can’t?”

“But it is,” she returned, with just as much intensity. “If a ruler is not happy, those she rules will not be happy either. It’s been seen before- we’ve seen it ourselves. Nelhemia. Beryl. Extreme cases, but none of them were happy, and none of the ones who served and followed them were either. If you’re not content . . . can you survive in this life and role?” Her amethyst eyes blinked, sooty lashes fluttering against the paleness of her cheeks. “I don’t think you really understand just how much your mood affects us all, Usagi. Your happiness is, in many ways, ours. I’ll leave it in your hands whether or not to find some truth in this.”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi agreed with Hotaru. "You don't know how relieving it is to hear that someone else has those same thoughts. I think life is too complex and important to be all predestined. I don't think it's all chaos, though, I mean I believe in love and truth, after all.... I think it's a combination, not that things are supposed to happen per say, but that we're meant to be put in situations where our choices will advance those things... The problem about the word destiny is that it is so similar to the word destination. And I think that life is a journey, and not a destination."

She glanced at Hotaru curiously for her reaction, not knowing that the younger senshi would take Usagi's family's safety quite so seriously-- but when Hotaru asked her about letting them, the pieces finally clicked. "No, not the senshi, I didn't mean them. I meant my immediate family," Usagi explained. "My mother and father and brother... They wanted nothing to do with it, last time I checked," she sighed, but still looked at Hotaru curiously. "You really think that I should force them, if that's what it would take?" Usagi shifted uncomfortably, getting a vague sense of déja vu... Hadn't Lucan asked her just about the same thing yesterday, and Luna had been telling her that it wouldn't come to that?

"I will," Usagi agreed, grinning a bit as Hotaru admitted to struggling in her government class. "I was probably much worse than you when I was your age... I pretty much slept through government, or read manga under the desk. The difference between pre-Enlightment empires and the 18th-century nascent realization of the political concept of a nation-state? Snore. Get a tutor if you want, but I'd be more than happy to help you with that. After all I can to learn it all eventually to get where I am, so you know that I'd be able to explain it in a way any idiot could get it," Usagi joked. "Personally, I always learned better by actually getting out there and doing things instead of just reading a textbooks or looking at flashcards. There's no better place to learn by doing when it comes to government, than the Crystal Palace, after all."

She smiled at Hotaru's agreement. Maybe Hotaru was young, but Usagi felt as if she was relating to her in so many ways, now. It felt so good to have someone understand, instead of argue with her. Hotaru was humble, perhaps a little bit too much, but it was a refreshing trait. "I think you're absolutely right. You know, I do think there is something to be said for experience. I don't have it in all areas, but thankfully I've been able to find the people who do, and get them to mobilize and work together." They were always better when they could work together. Usagi smiled sympathetically at Hotaru. "I'll let you in on a little secret, I still haven't gotten used to people staring at me. Drives me crazy sometimes. But the only way they'll stop is once they get used to you... So it would get worse and not better if you were home-schooled, I think. Just behave as if they're not doing it... Treat them the same as if you weren't really famous. It'll eventually dawn on them that, gasp! You're actually a real, thinking, feeling human being. Trust me on that."

Usagi smiled sadly. "She came back to the past at first to save Crystal Tokyo... and Black Moon came back to change the course of history, which they accomplished no matter what. From there... I just don't know." Her smile faded at Hotaru's words. It wasn't fair to Hotaru or to Chibi-Usa-- to have the girl be the one thing that made Hotaru's life worth living. And none of them could help Hotaru with it? Usagi didn't believe it, but she couldn't force help on the girl. She more than anyone knew what it was like to be overwhelmed with help and good intentions when it was really a personal battle. "If you say so," Usagi murmured quietly.

Usagi winced as Hotaru flinched and looked down at her knees. She felt guilty at the girl's words, and gently reached out contritely. "I'm sorry, I know you are. It's not that I want the other senshi to give me advice, as much as I just don't want any more advice, from anyone. Like I said, I'm up to my ears in advice about this right now. Every single person in the entire world has an opinion about it, and every single person seems to be voicing it right now, and I am-- sometimes I just feel literally sick to my stomach. I just-- don't-- want-- to-- hear-- it. I don't want help, I don't want to be bombarded by anyone else's opinion or disapproval or well-intentioned advice, if I am, I think I shall scream. When it comes to Mamoru, I wish people would listen to me. Because it seems I am constantly doing the listening to everyone else's thoughts on my own life and relationship or now lack thereof. I believe you have a right to know, and to voice your feelings-- but my tolerance only goes so far. Frankly I wish people would just leave me alone when it comes to this, if they are so incapable of supporting me or reserving judgment."

She didn't answer Hotaru's query about how much her happiness affected all of them. So, what was she supposed to do? Her relationship with Mamoru, according to Hotaru, was 'the bond that held them all together', and yet their happiness was dependent on hers. Well, she just couldn't win, could she? She would either have to force herself to get happy or she would have to get much more convincing at faking it, especially with all the turmoil in her life.

Yeah, feeling it was not happening right now. Faking it was going to have to be how she went from here.

[Tomoe Hotaru]

The relief in Usagi’s voice made Hotaru pause to consider the woman carefully. She knew what it felt like to feel as if you weren’t in control of your own life, as if the choices had already been made and you were just a puppet acting out some greater force’s plan. Was this how Usagi had been feeling lately? No wonder she was resisting any though of destiny or fate- she couldn’t blame her for that. “I agree,” she said softly, nodding her dark head in response. “I’ve always thought myself that life is like a sonnet. A strict format, but with freedom within the lines. Only you can choose how to fill it in.”

“Oh,” she realized, her eyes widening. “Your family. . .” Her teeth scraped along her bottom lip as she thought the matter over. “They don’t really have the right to refuse it or take it lightly,” she said at last. “They are important to you- people will think they can use them as a way to get to you. They can’t. . .” She hesitated, then said, “Yes, if that’s what it takes to protect them, to protect us all, then I believe you should give the order.” Hotaru sighed, knowing that it would be something Usagi would probably object to. “It isn’t something you want to do. I can understand that. But. . . if you truly believe they might be in danger, then I say trust your instincts and give the command.”

A small giggle escaped her parted lips, and she lifted a hand to muffle it as she imagined the trouble Usagi must have gotten into during those times. “I can’t say I blame you,” she admitted. “I’ve been tempted to do such things myself, but I don’t dare.” Amethyst eyes grew wide, flying up to Usagi’s face in astonishment. “You’d teach me?” The idea was both appealing and a bit intimidating at the same time. She’d never had anything to do with the new government besides living at it’s heart. Seeing it first hand and watching Usagi at work. . . “I think I would like that, very much,” she confessed. “As long as it wouldn’t interfere with anything for you, that is.”

Hotaru returned the smile, glad they were in agreement. She felt close to Usagi in that moment, glad that they were able to really sit down together and actually talk for once, just the two of them, without worry that the world was going to fall apart around them. “Experience. . . yes, we all have it in different areas. It’s why we make such a good team, why we’re strongest together. Each of us brings something different to the field, and. . . .” Her voice trailed off, smiling embarrassedly. “You know that already though.” Her head tilted to the side at Usagi’s statement, glad that she was not the only one who was still uncomfortable with being in the spot light. “It must be worse for you- the whole world is watching you. One school is all I have to worry about at the moment.” She dragged her foot against the carpet, wrinkling her nose. “I know staying at home wouldn’t solve the problem, but some days I want to scream with all those eyes on me, and just. . .” Letting out a breath, she slowed her thoughts, focusing on Usagi’s suggestions. “I’ll try- I’ve been trying. I’m still waiting for them to meet me halfway.”

“I know.” Her head drooped, her lashes fluttering wearily. “I try to make sense of it, but the more I think about it, the more confused I become. Was her coming to the past supposed to teach us something? To change a mistake that was made? I just. . . I can’t make sense of it. And I hate that. . . that I’m angry with her.” Her face twisted slightly. “Isn’t that horrible? That I’m angry with her? She was trying to fix things, but in so many ways she made it worse, and I’m angry at her- she should have known better. I blame her! What kind of friend does such a thing?” Her eyes lifted at Usagi’s tone, hearing the doubt in her voice and words. “I don’t mean to offend you by saying that you can’t help- I just don’t see how any one can. There’s a hole in my heart, and I don’t know how to fill it.”

She closed her eyes as she felt Usagi’s touch, biting down hard on her lip to keep from sobbing. “I didn’t mean to lecture or try to tell you what to do,” she whispered unhappily. “I know all too well how frustrating it is to have people constantly telling you what you should be doing, what you’re doing wrong, how you’re screwing up your life. I didn’t mean to do that to you, and for that, I can only apologize. I meant what I said before- no matter what you decide in regards to Mamoru, I will support you. It doesn’t matter if I agree or disagree, I will. That’s what friends do. . . And I only want to see you happy. I really mean it, Usagi.”

Her eyes watched the emotions flicker across the Queen’s features. “I don’t mean to pressure you saying that,” she added quietly. “Just to make you aware. I’m not asking you to fake happiness either- we’d know that. Especially those who know you best.”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

"Trust my instincts," Usagi muttered. Some days (or, rather, this day in particular), that seemed to get her into more trouble than it was worth. Usagi couldn't imagine going to the senshi and giving them an order, even though sometimes it seemed that that was what they wanted. She certainly would have to start making decisions one way or another, but Usagi wanted to avoid orders as long as possible. She couldn't imagine them swallowing that, especially now.

Usagi's grin broadened at Hotaru's reaction to her suggestion, suddenly feeling touched and wanted. It was just what she needed. "Of course, I'd love to teach you! And it wouldn't be too hard on me! It'd be fun. And you could even ask if you could get some school credit for it. Heck if you can get internship credit for making me coffee and feeding letters into the paper shredder, you should be able to get credit for actually shadowing me," Usagi smiled.

"I do know that," she smiled back, "but it's important to say it, I think. I mean, I'm always amazed by it. I could talk about it all day long, though I am afraid of how tired people would get of hearing it." Her hands began to move excitedly. "Everyone of you is so talented and so different-- I get so happy when I see all of your talents combine to do such great things. It's such a privilege to be a part of that team, isn't it? To see all that we've accomplished so far and then all that the senshi will accomplish in the future, it's really such a blessing to not only be friends with but work with such amazing people." Despite the tension of the day, Usagi could never resist bragging about her friends.

"Believe me, it's a daily struggle," Usagi agreed, more than empathetic to Hotaru's feelings. "Sometimes I lie in bed and just don't know how I'll manage to make myself move enough to get up and deal with it. "Don't even wait for them to meet you halfway, it'll never happen. Just plow ahead and hope for the best."

Usagi drew Hotaru into her arms again. "Don't apologize, it's not horrible, it's natural. You don't ever have to apologize for your feelings, they're not wrong or right, they don't even have to be reasonable, they just are..." she told her, trying to validate Hotaru's emotions. "You're hurting right now, it's natural to feel angry at her because if she had never come you wouldn't be hurting. You need to allow yourself to grieve..." she gave her a small squeeze. "I know she was very young when she first came back, she didn't know any better. She was doing the best she could. I know that doesn't help, though."

Releasing her, Usagi shook her head. "You didn't offend me, you need to deal with this in your own way. No one can tell you how to feel or what you need, you have to determine that for yourself. But I am here for you if you ever have need of me, or even if you just need to talk."

Usagi shook her head again, sighing softly. "I am tired of all that, and sick of having my own words thrown back at me or used to try to instruct me as to what I should be doing or behaving... I am probably overly-sensitive, I have just reached the end of my rope," she said unhappily. If she didn't have a nervous breakdown by the end of the day, she would have to buy herself a reward.

Oh, so now people could see through an erected facade of happiness? Hotaru was making her head hurt with all this talk about Mamoru being essential to keeping them all together, to Usagi needing to be happy, to be unable to fake it, to whatever was next. She really couldn't win, at all. Somehow she would have to find a way to really keep it all underwraps. It had to be possible. She had kept the secret of being Sailormoon all this time. She didn't want to fool her friends, but if her happiness was dependent on hers, and she knew she couldn't be sincerely happy at this point of time, she would have to work hard at at least appearing so, until such a time came. But she would work that out later. Maybe she could google it. 'How to fake happy.' Someone else must have had this issue in the past.

[Tomoe Hotaru]

Nodding, Hotaru murmured, “If you can’t trust your own instincts, then what can you trust? You aren’t the type to order people around without good reason. If you give an order, people will listen because of that.” Her eyes were bright with concern as she lightly touched Usagi’s hand. “I know that it’s hard to speak up and tell others what they should be doing- it may not be what they want to hear, and you can’t always please everyone, but sometimes, it has to be done.”

The chance to spend more time with Usagi while learning at the same time was immensely appealing, and she knew that her delight was showing on her face. It was the perfect solution to two problems- her governments class, and her desire to be a little closer to Usagi. Giggling, she nodded. “I’ll speak to my teacher about it- other students get internships with politicians all the time. I don’t see why I shouldn’t be allowed to get it for learning from the Queen! Learning from you- I would like it very, very much.”

“I am too,” she murmured, her eyes softening and her lips curving slightly upward. “I sometimes can’t believe that all of us- so different- can manage to get along and be so close, so united. But it’s real, and I feel so grateful to belong to such a wonderful group of friends. . . no, a family.” Her face lifted, and her smile deepened. “You have so much faith in us, Usagi-chan. When you speak like that, I believe we are capable of anything. With all of us together, the future will be bright indeed.”

“I can understand that feeling,” she said softly, nodding. “Some days, I don’t know how I convinced myself to get up and face the world. I sometimes think I would prefer just to live somewhere all alone, with no one to judge me. But after being with all of you. . . I’m afraid to be alone again.” Usagi made it sound easy- Hotaru couldn’t admit that the very thought of putting herself out like that made her quiver and cringe inwardly. “I- I’ll try,” she managed, though inside she wasn’t sure if she’d bee able to. She’d tried it before and hadn’t had success.

“But it is-” Hotaru objected, her voice breaking in anguish. “You don’t hate her for it- you can forgive her. My best friend, and I hate her for what she’s done to me- I hate that she’s left me all alone, and. . .” She wanted to curl up into a ball and just stay that way forever until the hurt left her. “I don’t want to grieve,” she managed to force out, holding tightly to Usagi, her tears dampening the cloth beneath her cheek. “I’m tired of having to mourn for things that have been lost.” The reminder of how young Chibi Usa had been made her hurt worse; not only was she blaming her friend, but blaming her for the actions of a well meaning child who only wanted to help her mother. “You miss her too-” she caught herself, and cringed. “Minako- she asked me not to say anything about Chibi Usa to you- if you don’t want me to, I won’t, but I wondered. . .” Blinking away the moisture, she asked quietly. “Do you blame her too, sometimes?” In an even quieter voice, she added, “You don’t have to speak of her to me, if you would rather not.

She nodded mutely at Usagi’s words, dabbing at her eyes again. “I appreciate that. I would hope that you could do the same, if you ever wanted to confide in me. I know I’ve had a poor demonstration of it today, but I’m capable of listening and nothing more, if you should ever find yourself needing it.”

Her hand lightly curved around Usagi’s, feeling guilty again. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that I was trying to tell you what to do. I didn’t consider that you have everyone telling you already- please, forgive me. I won’t offer an opinion unless you ask for it.” She reached out to touch the strand of golden hair that had fallen across Usagi’s lap, her fingers smoothing the locks lightly. “You put up with so much from us. . . offer us so much comfort. I feel horrible that I cannot offer the same in return.”

“I’m not saying you have to be happy all the time, Usagi,” she murmured, wishing she could explain herself better, knowing that she probably wasn’t helping at all. “If I have the right to my feelings, so do you. It would be impossible to be cheerful every day- I couldn’t ask that of anyone, especially not of you. I certainly couldn't ask it of myself.” She was on the verge of giving up- apparently giving advice was not her strong suite, and she was afraid of distressing Usagi even more than she already had.

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi made a face at Hotaru's words, and then laughed at herself. "Sorry, just thought of something... I'm sure you're right. It's just me," she said, shaking her head. "But I'll cross that bridge when it comes." For now she would go back to pretending that she'd never have to give an actual order. It wasn't like she hadn't before-- to get to be Queen, Usagi had learned to boss around her staff and subordinates to some degree, though they all got used to hearing her couch her requests in very polite language. Her generals told her that in the military, a superior's spoken request, even if a please came attached to it, was to be treated as an order. Well, that certainly made life easier for her when dealing with the military establishment. Though from Hotaru's words she was beginning to wonder if the girl had been listening in on her conversation with Luna and Lucan two days ago as well as the conference with the senshi.

"Good!" Usagi beamed. "Let me know when you want to start."

She smiled hesitantly back at Hotaru. "It's not always easy, and I'll admit right now that I think we need to be more united and together. But I believe we'll stick together no matter what."

She held Hotaru closer yet, trying to give the smaller girl a bit of comfort. "No, it is natural," Usagi insisted. "It's not wrong or horrible of you. And you're not alone, Hotaru. She didn't leave you alone... she left you with us. With your family," Usagi pulled back to offer the younger girl a hopeful smile. "But I know how you must feel that way... I promise you, it's okay to feel that way. You have every right to feel the way you do." Usagi sighed at the mention of Minako telling Hotaru not to mention it. It actually made her feel a bit better about her friend, at least Minako seemed somewhat sympathetic to her feelings. "Don't worry about it," Usagi soothed. "Listen. There is no topic off limits with me, okay? If you want to ask, ask. I can tell you if I want to answer or not. There is no harm in asking, right?" She paused for a moment to mull over Hotaru's question. "I blame myself," Usagi finally answered. And she did-- she blamed the Neo Queen Serenity who had allowed Chibi-Usa to go to the past to begin with. Sure, Black Moon happened, though hearing the explanation about that had made Usagi wonder about her future self's state of mind. But sending Chibi-Usa back to the past after that had never entirely made sense to Usagi. Even back then she questioned the wisdom of it.

"Don't feel horrible, Hotaru," Usagi murmured in return. "You've already comforted me, just in ways you may not realize."

Usagi sighed, shaking her head at Hotaru as she kept going on about the happiness thing. It was time to stop beating the dead horse. "Hotaru," Usagi said gently, "Let it go. It's fine, I promise."