Green Eyed Monster (Usagi/Mamoru)

[Chiba Mamoru]

After Nathaniel had wandered off, Mamoru had contented himself with lurking. He wasn’t a social enough guy to actually want to chat with any of the other guests, although he kept his eye out for Khalid as he still really wanted to meet him. His glare kept all but the most determined people away from him and so for the most part he was left alone.

Considering he had unconsciously been searching for her, Mamoru had taken notice of Usagi’s reentrance into the ballroom. He immediately smiled appreciatively the moment he laid eyes on her. He might not have any right to hold her close anymore, but there wasn’t anyone that could tell him that he couldn’t look. However, his smile faded just a little as he noticed that she seemed marginally unhappy. Mamoru knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t her usual bubbly cheerful self. Usagi loved parties like these, so why wasn’t she happy?

There was the fact that yet another of the Shitennou had reawakened in the middle of her ball, or even that both of his awakened friends were currently enjoying her party. There was even the fact that he was here, or maybe she was just upset over some random thing that he didn’t know about. Perhaps all of the above ... there wasn’t any way that he could know why she was upset. He couldn’t exactly go and ask her.

All thoughts of the reasons behind Usagi’s unhappiness soon flew out of Mamoru’s mind when a golden-haired upstart, a diplomat perhaps, took her hand and began dancing with her. Even from across the room Mamoru could see how Usagi responded to the guy and it caused a hot burning flame of jealousy to begin to kindle in his gut.

Mamoru tried to convince himself that it didn’t matter, she had every right to flirt with this stranger. She had given him his engagement ring back therefore making herself free and unattached. She could do whatever she wanted, it shouldn’t concern him any.

It didn’t matter, no matter how many times he tried to turn away and go about his business, Mamoru always found his gaze drawn back to the couple. That flame of jealousy burning even brighter, as he watched her smile up at her dance partner. He caught the blush on her cheeks even from a distance and he inwardly seethed as he watched her blush deepen when he kissed her hand. It didn’t matter that he was standing far across from her, he read her easily enough and it bothered him more then he wanted to admit that she was reacting so strongly to this guy.

The moment Mamoru realized Usagi was heading toward him, he fought his reaction, struggled to get his jealousy under control. It wouldn’t do to allow her to see how upset he really was. He had to get his temper under control before she reached him, he couldn’t take the risk of saying something he would regret later. She wouldn’t take kindly to him getting angry at her yet again, especially since she had every right to do whatever she wanted to do. They weren’t together anymore. He couldn’t ask her to stay loyal to him when she didn’t even trust him.

When she reached him, Mamoru hoped that nothing of how he really felt showed, though he wasn’t certain he had been successful at hiding his thoughts away entirely. Lately it seemed far more difficult in keeping his thoughts to himself. Struggling to remain distant he gave her a polite bow in greeting and murmured, “Your majesty ...”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi felt as if the temperature had descended about twenty degrees, from when she left Alex, to finding Mamoru. He seemed to be in a dark mood, but then again, that wasn't exactly unusual anymore. She found herself waving away his bow and formal greeting, a bit back to her old self. "Eh, you don't have to be like that when we're in private, or at least where people won't be quite so observant."

Mamoru did manage to find a nice place away from most of the guests, or perhaps he had been glaring them off. Usagi had full confidence in her security, they would know to keep others from wandering over to her, close enough to be in earshot, at least. They would be looked at by the guests, which mean she'd have to keep herself composed...

"I've been meaning to talk to you," Usagi mentioned nonchalantly, trying to keep things non-confrontational. She leaned against the wall, wishing that there was a server with champagne nearby, but that was going to have to wait. Folding her hands behind her back, she found herself seeking out Alex's form almost involuntarily, but mentally scolded herself, turning her attention back to Mamoru, lifting her azure gaze to meet his; eyes softening.

"How have you been?" Usagi asked quietly, and with obvious sincerity. "I know it's been a... trying few days. For both of us." She let out a sigh to release some tension, brushing her bangs from her eyes. "I... I'm sorry about the media. I should have warned you about how crazy things might be, but it took even me by surprise. I tried to do damage control, try to contain it, but since when have they ever listened when asked to back off...?" she gave a nervous laugh, looking down and fingering her gown.

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru rose an eyebrow when Usagi told him he didn’t have to keep to the formalities she had wanted earlier, at least when they were alone. He wasn’t able to prevent a sarcastic comment from slipping past his lips, “Do you plan on us in private often, because I was under the impression that you didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.”

He regretted it the instant he said it, not really wanting to drive her off now that she had sought him out. However he merely shrugged and added in a more neutral tone, “Very well, Usagi it is ... but only if you don’t refer to me as Chiba-san. It’s not at natural sounding coming from you, you’ve never called me that before. Even when you hated me in your junior high years I was Mamoru-baka, never Chiba-san.” he gave her one of his teasing grins and in a much more warm and friendly tone murmured, “I find I don’t like it very much, never thought I could actually come to hate my name.”

“I’ve never minded talking with you Usagi, I’m not going to start now.” Mamoru relaxed entirely as she leaned against the wall, though he did scowl just a bit when he caught her scanning the crowds almost as if she were seeking someone out. For all he knew she was seeking out one of her senshi, or maybe she was just watching the crowd ... but he certainly could imagine that it was that blonde stranger she was searching for. He managed to dampen the jealousy by the time she turned her gaze back up to his, giving her a smile instead.

“Miserable...”, was the first answer that came to mind at her next question and he had spoken it before he could stop himself. Uneasy with allowing such an open answer, Mamoru immediately gave her a quirky grin and in an attempt to disguise that moment of admission added, “With everyone wanting to move here to Tokyo, it certainly hasn’t been easy finding a new apartment worth anything. I was hoping to find something like I use to own, but I quickly found that to be a lost cause.”

Mamoru shrugged indifferently once again when she mentioned the media and said, “It wasn’t as if I hadn’t been here since the beginning Usagi. I’ve watched you in the media, I should have been more prepared for it. You don’t need to apologize, I can take care of myself you know. The media will write their stories no matter how much we wish they wouldn’t.”

He wasn’t certain whether she was referring to the stories that came because they had broken off the engagement, or the more recent ones referring to his bar room disaster. In any case, neither had been her fault therefore she shouldn’t be apologizing.

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi's eyes flashed silver for a moment, and her spine straightened, pulling herself up to her full height. This was why she had been nervous about coming over. Mamoru could really be an insufferable jerk. She approached him in kindness, and what was it returned with? Sarcasm and contempt! Once again she had half a mind to say something very unladylike and leave his side, never to return. Why even make the effort?

Because you're the Queen of Earth, and you owe it to the senshi, and the billions around the world who rely on your leadership. I'll kill him with kindness if I have to, Usagi mentally scolded herself. She didn't let her displeasure extend itself past those few physical indicators, keeping her tone calm, if distant.

"I am sorry to have left you with that impression, Chiba-san," Usagi replied, returning his bitter remark with a cordial one instead, her eyes meeting his. "And while we may longer be betrothed, it would be ridiculous to think that means we will never see each other or interact-- publicly or privately. We spent an entire decade of our lives together; that cannot be entirely severed in just a day or two. There will be matters that will need to be worked out. And I don't like to burn bridges. Just because our romantic relationship has expired does not mean we have no relationship, that we do not owe each other a reasonable level of consideration and pleasantries." There was a hint in that last sentence-- Usagi dearly believed that she was owed more than what she was receiving. He could at least attempt to be polite to her. Why do these things have to be all or nothing? We're not lovers, so we must be enemies? How ridiculous! We're adults!

And then, she was-- politely, actually-- rebuked for using his name formally. Usagi stopped herself from shaking her head, thinking that her previous description of him as Jekyll and Hyde was definitely an apt one. He couldn't seem to pick a mood and stick with it. It made her nervous-- she didn't want to have to walk on eggshells and try to figure out which remark would set him off, or not. She gave him a shaky smile in return, still obvious ill at ease with him, though Usagi realized she'd have to attempt to cover that up if she wanted to make this work. "I never hated you in junior high, I only said I did. I don't hate anybody." That was true enough, though perhaps she should have realized from those junior high years just how scathing Mamoru could be when he wanted to. She had forgotten it when they were together. He was always good at teasing, but sometimes... It went too far. "What would you have me call you, then? I hardly think that Mamo-chan is appropriate anymore, perhaps just Mamoru? I must insist that we do be more formal while in the audience of others-- it will make things much easier for both of us," Usagi said with a soft sigh, thinking back the headaches of the media. "Just... trust me on that."

Usagi's gaze softened at his answer, which he quickly tried to cover up. "I'm sorry to hear that, truly." Well, she was now. A few moments ago she might have indulged in a little schadenfreude at his expense, wasn't it only fair that he be miserable after what he did? Of course, face-to-face, she found her compassion and empathy were still dominant, even when it came to him... "I know the staff here would be more than happy to help you find something; civil servants are always relocating so there are tons of openings," Usagi suggested, trying to help. "And you needn't be in such a hurry, if you want to wait for something better, I'm not going to evict you or something." She wasn't that cruel!

"It's not just the stories," Usagi sighed. "It's the-- op-eds, the talking heads, commentators, so-called 'experts' they call up-- the spin. I just want you to know that I tried to... contain that; I didn't want it to turn into a bloodbath in the press, didn't want you vilified..." But the sharks were in the water, and so was Mamoru-- the chum. They could smell blood and were swarming, and she didn't think it was fair.

"And I'm sorry about the..." she gestured helplessly, barely able to spit out the word, "... suitors. It was insulting to me to have them show up after just 72 hours, I'm sure it's not easy... for you, either. Tonight has actually been better in that respect than I thought." She hadn't even needed to use the signal with the senshi.

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru inwardly groaned when he saw Usagi’s eyes flash and her spine straighten. He really was making this entire situation even worse because he couldn’t seem to keep his mouth shut. He drew in a deep breath and tried to keep a firmer lock on his out of control emotions.

“I know you’re right Usagi, it’s just ...” He hesitated a long moment, watching the other guests and trying to put his thoughts in order. He wasn’t certain what to say really. It was a professional relationship she was asking for. He might could give her the professional relationship, but that wasn’t want he wanted. He briefly remembered what Nathaniel had said earlier, giving up wasn’t like him. At the very least he could attempt to turn this relationship into a friendly one, that wasn’t exactly what he wanted either but it was better then a professional one. It would be kind of like standing in the shadows of the campfire but still not feeling the warmth, but still it would be better then the cool and distant professional relationship. Mamoru turned his attention back to Usagi, knowing that he couldn’t keep her waiting. “It’s just hard Usagi, it always has been. I don’t mean to keep upsetting you further.”

He shifted uncomfortably, aware that she was still nervous around him. Mamoru didn’t want that, but at least she was smiling. Keeping his tone light he murmured, “I knew you didn’t hate me Usa, just as I never found you half as annoying as I made you out to be.” He sighed just a little at her next words, he still kept his tone friendly as he added, “I understand Usagi, I do. When others are around it’ll be formalities, but please ... Mamoru will do just fine now.”

Mamoru stiffened at the thought of staying longer in the palace. He just didn’t think he could do that, there were too many memories that he didn’t want to have to deal with now. Forcing himself to relax once again he shook his head and said, “I’ve already found a new apartment, it’s just a matter of moving everything out. Actually I’ll be staying with Zacharie ...” He paused briefly, uncertain whether Ami had gotten around to telling Usagi that Zacharie was more then likely Zoisite. Deciding that being forth right in everything was definitely the better choice right now he continued, “I think he’s Zoisite actually, I don’t know if Ami has had time to tell you that yet.”

He shook his head and smiled at her reassuringly, “Usagi, I don’t blame the media or their stories on you. I know about freedom of speech and all that. Reputations aren’t everything and at any rate, I certainly haven’t helped matters.”

Mamoru couldn’t help glaring off into the other guests, unconsciously searching for the blonde diplomat that Usagi had just been dancing with at the mention of suitors. He still was having trouble dealing with that burning flame of jealousy, but as hard as it was to deal with it he didn’t want to upset Usagi any further. He brought his gaze back to her, trying his best to hide the raw jealousy behind a regretful smile. “That ... that can’t be helped Usagi. I know that.”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi tilted her head at Mamoru's oblique remark, staring at him curiously. "I'm afraid I don't follow. What has always been hard, Mamoru?" Being with her? Talking with her? What was he going on about? He was so infuriatingly opaque. Usagi was sure there were bipolar, hormonal adolescents with premenstrual syndrome that were more stable than Chiba Mamoru!! In the past two minutes of their conversation it felt as if she'd seen every shade of his mood, and she didn't exactly know what to do with it, because it seemed that even the feelings he managed to project were often carefully scripted to hide something else, a rare slip or two, such as when he admitted to being miserable.

She just had no idea what to do with him.

Finding herself nodding along as he spoke about the apartment, Usagi gave him a small smile. "Well, that's encouraging, isn't it? And yes, Ami-chan has kept me informed. The staff will help you move out, I'm sure, though..." she hesitated, not wanting to set him off again. "...respectfully, do try not to take it out on them." She'd heard a few reports, mostly word of mouth. Usagi didn't think it was fair to the maids for Mamoru to berate them, even if they did gossip-- and she didn't want to end up sued herself.

"You said you know that Khalid was here, Kunzite? Have you had a chance to meet him yet?" she inquired, following the lead that he initiated by bringing up one of the Shitennou. This was one thing that she knew she could do to maintain a line of communication between them-- facilitate, at least partially, with the Shitennou. Now that Mamoru knew who they all were, in part thanks to her and the senshi, he would eventually seek out Khalid. If she could put him in contact, well... It might grease the wheel for future discussions on the matter. Part of her cringed for thinking so strategically with the man she loved, or at least once loved, realizing that... Well, this could be considered manipulative. He hasn't exactly left you with much of an alternative, her mind pointed out. You're Queen. Deal with it. If he won't tell you, then you'll just have to find out by other means. I guess that means dirty work... "I could introduce you. I've been hoping to run into him again, actually. Khalid is actually rather charming." As I'm sure Minako has found out, a naughty little part of her commented.

She relaxed a bit more as he assured her that he understood about the media and the suitors. "Oh, good. I'm glad. I just wanted to clear the air in regards to that." We have enough barriers between us...

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru thought about just shrugging off her question. It hadn’t ever been hard to talk to Usagi, she was the one person he could easily share things with, but now it felt harder then ever before. Still, he was trying to be at least a little more friendly and that would involve lowering that wall a little more. He shifted uncomfortably before saying, “It’s always been hard to let people in Usagi, to trust people. It’s a lot easier to keep people at a distance by being a jerk and for that I’m sorry ... for a lot of things actually.”

He hesitated a moment before saying, “I would appreciate that Usagi and I won’t take out my frustrations on them. I’ve learned that lesson very well now, trust me.”

Mamoru nodded toward Hiroki across the room and said, “Hiroki mentioned running into him, but I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting Khalid yet.” He glanced at her curiously for a moment before saying, “If you really wouldn’t mind, I would like very much to be introduced to him.” He grinned at her next words and added, “Kunzite always was a charming fellow if I remember correctly, he ...” Suddenly aware that she probably wouldn’t cherish the memories of the Shitennou in the past like he did, Mamoru coughed uncomfortably and muttered, “Well anyway, I really would like to meet his current day self. I’ve been meaning to make his acquaintance.”

He smiled reassuringly down at her, glad to see her relaxing even more. In truth, it wasn’t her he was irritated with. It was the suitors that he was upset with, that blond diplomat most of all. They more then anything brought it home to him how easily he was losing everything that was most important to him. A note of sadness entered his gaze as his smile slipped a little as he thought of how much he was losing. He turned away to stare out at the other guests again and in an attempt to change the subject he murmured, “At any rate not everyone of those suitors were there for you this morning, the senshi came in for their fair share of attention didn’t they? When I was watching this morning there were a few crazy ones that I heard, like that Nicholas guy. Are they handling it ok?”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

For a moment she was without words. Was that... an apology? Usagi blinked at him for a second, wondering just what specific incidents he was referring to when he said he was sorry-- was it just now? That night when they broke up? She decided to accept it. It was as close to a real apology as she'd ever get from him, she had to be satisfied with what she had, for now.

"I know, it's hard." Automatically, she reached out and took his hand, clear, probing eyes meeting his. "And when you put it like that, I understand, it's alright," she soothed, forgiving him on the spot. The smallest admission of responsibility, of contrition had that effect on her, releasing the anger and tension within. They still couldn't be together, but at least... At least he seemed to start to realize that he had been... a jerk.

"Mamoru... I know it's easier, but it's not right... and if there's one thing I have been able to count on with you it's that you will do the right thing." It was true, it was why her faith had been so shaken in him upon the revelation of the Shitennou and that long secret. He had always been honorable, dependable Mamoru-- steadfast and faithful. She didn't believe he was even capable of that kind of deceit with her, just like she wanted to believe that most people weren't capable of great violence, that parents weren't capable of abandoning their children, that there was some block in the ability of an idea, of a loved one, to initiate such hurtful actions.

Perhaps it wasn't capability but circumstance. They were all capable of terrible things in the right circumstances... The crux was in the ability to choose, to fight against the strong tide of emotion to do what was right, if ultimately dangerous. To relinquish one's self to give sway to morality, to prize other's welfare above short-term gain. She knew how pressingly difficult that could be; she had tasted those conundrums many times as Sailormoon, as Serenity. But never with him. Never on quite the receiving end.

Choices. What choices did this leave her with? Hadn't she already made hers? It almost seemed too hasty in this moment, despite Mamoru's erratic behavior even after the broken engagement. Sometimes she felt like she was losing her faith in love itself, at least between a man and a woman. If they couldn't work it out...?

Choices. She had never believed herself capable of leaving Mamoru. She have never believed that she might be capable of ceasing to love him, know him. She never believed she was capable of turning him away. She never believed she was capable of taking any action that would stop the conception of Chibi-Usa.

Under she found herself in the right circumstances. Was it worth it, should she try to repair things, not just for the Shitennou and the senshi, but for herself... For more than information, but to salvage what they did have?

If we had anything at all... But what could she do? He had kept it hidden from her, he still did not divulge himself to her, for all she knew he was only apologizing from his gruffness a minute ago. There was still so much she did not know, and he seemed unwilling to share. How could she rescue any amount of intimacy when the truth was still hidden? She couldn't do the work alone, he had to commit to her, to being open...

...And Mamoru had always been committed to sheltering his soul, even from her, who would keep his secrets in love better than he could ever hope to do himself.

Usagi let out a long breath that she didn't know she was holding, gently dropping his hands. "Do you... remember when we broke up before?" Back when Chibi-Usa was around, back when they first heard about Crystal Tokyo to begin with...

Shrugging off the past, Usagi attempted to smile, glad that Mamoru seemed a bit more reasonable, especially when it came to the staff. "Thank you, I appreciate it."

She nodded with an accommodating smile. "I would be happy to introduce you, then. Perhaps in just a few minutes?" As soon as they finished talking. She wanted to make sure... Well, sure of what she didn't know, but it seemed like an spec of an island of honesty within the crashing sea of their conflict, and she wanted to savor it, before he went back to being that reticent stranger.

"They have the right attitude about it. They're definitely uncomfortable, but I'm proud of them for the way they've dealt with it, actually. They have their heads screwed on straight."

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru gave her a sad smile when she took his hand and met his gaze. He loved this woman, didn’t know how he was going to survive without her by his side. A simple apology and she was trying to soothe him and tell him that she understood. She didn’t even know what he was apologizing for, in truth he wasn’t all that certain either. For the last few days definitely, for that night most assuredly, the numerous other times he’d hurt her during their relationship probably, for breaking her faith in him most likely, for keeping the Shitennou a secret he wasn’t sure ...

“Are you sure Usagi, I don’t always do the right thing do I? It’s not always easy knowing what’s right. There are times when people do things that they think is right at the time and they do them with the best intentions for everyone involved, but everything turns out all wrong.”

Mamoru was feeling confused. He really had believed that what he had done was the right thing to do for everyone involved. He hadn’t meant to hurt anyone, especially not Usagi. That was just how things had turned out. There was no way of knowing how things would have turned out if he had told them about his friends right from the beginning. He couldn’t go back in time to fix things, didn’t know if he would even if he could. Technically speaking he still believed he was in the right, at least in those first couple of months. He hadn’t even known how important his friends were to the senshi at the time, that had only become a vague notion over time.

On the other hand he could see the harm his decisions had caused. He could see how much easier things might have been if he had revealed the existence of the Shitennou long before now. He had been confident in his choices, but now he wasn’t at all certain he had done the right thing.

Mamoru immediately missed the warmth of her hands when she let go, but he didn’t press the moment. He simply leaned further back against the wall and murmured, “I remember, how could I forget? That was another decision I made with the best intentions, but nevertheless a decision that was wrong and only ended up hurting you.” He instinctively shuttered his gaze, withdrawing back behind his wall just a little as he added longingly, “You fought for us then, didn’t give up the idea that we could be together even while I was pushing you away.”

He shrugged off her thanks and simply said, “They aren’t all that hard to get along with, most of them are actually decent people that go about their work like they are suppose to. There are a few of them that take things too far though, but I can play the gentleman and ignore them ...”

Mamoru answered her accommodating smile with a true one of his own, nothing hidden at this point. He couldn’t deny that he was happy that his Shitennou were awakening and he wouldn’t try. It was a great feeling to know that they were out there in something more then just souls stuck in a stone. However as much as he wanted to meet Khalid, he wasn’t really in any hurry to end this conversation either. “I’d appreciate it Usagi, but I’m not in any hurry. I’m happy enough being here right now.”

with you ...

Although he left the words unsaid for the moment, the look he gave her was clear enough. His gaze open, with nothing hidden away for perhaps the first time since he had known her. It was her company he was desiring at the moment, even if they were forever destined to just be acquaintances from now on. Just being with her made his heart feel lighter, he wouldn’t give up this moment for anything and he wanted her to know it.

“I’m glad. It’s not easy to wake up one morning and find the world clamoring for your attention, but then I guess you know that.”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

"From what I've seen, you've managed to figure it out..." Usagi responded softly, her eyes probing at his as he spoke. "It is difficult to know..." She knew that difficulty acutely each day as Queen.

"Sometimes, doing the right thing means doing more than what feels right in the moment, or what one feels justified in doing. It's more than what's safe, or most accommodating... And we can only choose for ourselves, doing the right thing often involves allowing others freedom to make their choices, even if we're afraid they'll choose wrongly. And sometimes it's not one big decision, but a bunch of little ones, every day... It's choices we make in private, even when we think it might never be found out... And sometimes, it means evaluating our decisions. Even with all the best intentions, if we do fail-- doing the right thing means taking ownership of it and rectifying it... If we break the law out of ignorance, we're still responsible, aren't we? We're still held accountable... Isn't it the same in life-- in relationships?"

He probably didn't need her pontificating at him. And it really wasn't just a ramble about morality, she found herself obliquely weaving their own situation within, if he could pick up the on the hint. Being direct with him hadn't exactly worked well so far...

It was interesting to hear him recall that time, to take responsibility for that as well. It soothed a part of her that she didn't know was still hurting from that time so long ago. She had never forced him to talk about it, to apologize to her, at the time she had been content to try and move on, and they were plenty busy with Black Moon and Chibi-Usa...

His next words did not escape her notice. Usagi glanced down at the floor for a moment and once again raised her gaze, meeting his eyes. "Yes, I did," she responded simply. "I fought for us very hard. But it was only when I knew the truth myself that we were able to move on-- because if I hadn't seen the dream myself, you never would have told me, I don't think." They would have remained apart, because he was too stubborn to share, to reveal secrets, no matter how many lives could be damaged in the process, even hers. That, obviously, had not changed. And she was partially at fault for it-- she should have addressed the issue then. Usagi hated confrontation, but ignoring problems in their relationship had only made them bigger.

"I've... been thinking about that time often, as of late." She stared off to the side for a moment, inhaling deeply and stepping closer to him involuntarily. "If you remember that... Then you remember the night when I came to you after seeing the dream. You pushed me out... Slammed the door in my face."

She reached up, her hand sliding along his jaw this time, unable to keep from touching him in this moment. "And I just... pounded at that door. Over, and over again, until I couldn't feel my hands anymore. I was crying and screaming, I kept yelling to you, I said: 'don't shut me out of your life!'" She swallowed the lump of emotion in her throat. "And after this... Mamo-chan, I've realized... I have still been pounding on that door for these past ten years. And you never let me in. You never let me in." Once more, she withdrew her hand, now that it trembled against his skin, her eyes averting as they shimmered slightly with tears.

Finally, she vanquished her emotions, swallowing hard once more. When she managed to look back at him, he was peering at her after saying that Khalid could wait, and that expression only stirred her soul more. For an instant she wanted to flee, afraid she would no longer be in control of herself, but the moment of temptation passed. Perhaps now they were back to chit-chat.

"You would know it too, I suppose. We all adapt, as you said."

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru’s first instinct was to look away from her probing look, but he held steady. He was tired of running, tired of making excuses, tired of hiding. He hesitated briefly, trying to put his thoughts into words that she might could understand.

“Usagi, I can’t apologize for keeping the existence of the Shitennou a secret in those first few months or even in that first year that I had acquired them. It might have been the wrong decision, but it was the one that felt right at the time. I honestly had no idea how important they might have been to your friends. If I had known, things might have been different but it wasn’t until fairly recently that it even became the vaguest of notions. The only thing I remembered was that they were important to me and yet they were your enemies.”

He glanced around warily, making certain that there wasn’t anyone within close hearing distance. Mamoru didn’t necessarily feel comfortable with this conversation with quite so many people around that had no business knowing any of this. However, it was important to him to try and get her to understand his reasons, not an excuse this time but an honest attempt to get her to understand why he had made his decisions. Mamoru turned his gaze back down to Usagi, doing his level best to be as open and honest as he could.

“You are right, perhaps it wasn’t fair to judge how any of you would react. You had after all forgiven me for being in the same position, but it felt different. At the time I felt as if I couldn’t take the risk that you all wouldn’t want to just destroy them and be done with it. They were my responsibility Usagi, my friends. Their lives, or rather their souls were in my safe keeping and right or wrong I couldn’t take the chance that you wouldn’t understand, not so soon after you had just fought and destroyed them for a second time.”

Mamoru searched her gaze for a long moment, looking for any indication that she was at the very least understanding a little of why he had chosen to keep his secrets. His instincts were to again close himself off beyond reach, but he took his courage in hand and continued.

“If I had the chance to go back in time and remake that decision, I don’t think I would. I still feel that what I did was the right decision for the time. Whether it was right or wrong I can’t honestly stay, but it was how I felt at the time and I won’t apologize for that. What I will apologize for is keeping my secrets for so long, that was wrong and if I could I would change that decision and make it better. Ten years is a long time to keep a secret as important as this one. At the very least I should have told you and allowed you to decide what to do with it and for that I’m sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you and while the subject was never an easy one it was my responsibility to do so. I’m not asking to not be held accountable Usagi, or even for you to forgive me. I’m just asking that you at least try to understand why I chose to keep my secrets for at least a little while.”

Mamoru wanted to tell her that he would have eventually shared his reasons for that break up. He wanted to assure her that he would have told her about the dream, would have revealed his secrets and allowed them both to decide what to do. Only he couldn’t. He couldn’t tell her that because it wouldn’t have been true. He might have decided to ignore the dream and given in to her begging, but he probably wouldn’t have ever told her why it had all happened in the first place. He closed his eyes briefly, hating the thought of how much he had put her through, continued to put her through. However, when he felt her move closer he reopened them, giving her a startled glance. His gaze darkened with longing when she slid her hand along his jaw and he didn’t miss the use of ‘Mamo-chan’. The words hurt though, especially when he couldn’t deny that they were true. Although he had allowed Usagi closer to his true thoughts and feelings then anyone else, he had still kept some bit of distance between them. He had still protected himself by building his walls and not allowing anyone to get too close, not even Usagi.

When she withdrew her hand, Mamoru reacted by catching her hand within his own grasp without much conscious thought. Although she averted her eyes he had caught the sheen of tears and felt terrible. He might have been protecting his heart, but he had been killing hers while still claiming to love her. He released her hand almost as soon as he had caught it, for a moment wishing he could be anywhere but there.

Would it be better to just leave? He couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t hurt her again, wouldn’t at some time make the wrong decision that ended up with her in tears. He seemed to be good at that, perhaps it would be best to just let her walk away. She might be happier with someone else, but could he do it?

He needed her, the light and the laughter she gave him. Mamoru was certain that he wouldn't survive if he turned and walked away now. He had already been falling apart without her and it had only been a few days. It might have been selfish but he couldn’t do it. He loved her too much to let go. He had to at least ask like Nathaniel had suggested and then if she refused, well perhaps he could find the strength to walk away for her sake, but not without asking.

“Usagi, please ... don’t give up on me now. Isn’t there anything I can do to make this right? To fix things? I don’t want to lose you ... please?”

It was hard to lower his guard completely, to expose his inner most self so much that he felt vulnerable and afraid. To let her in and show her everything he was feeling, but he did the best he could. At this point he’d fall to his knees and beg if he thought it would help, but all that would accomplish was to embarrass her and give the media another story to write up in their papers. Besides, he didn’t want to pressure her in to anything she didn’t really want and he knew how easy she could fall prey to someone else’s pain. He fell silent, searching her gaze once again for any clue as to how she really felt.

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi didn't speak as Mamoru explained himself and his reasoning, for once doing it without being confrontational, without ascribing motives to anyone else but himself. She listened, a litany of emotions moving like fast currents of water over her face, bathed in the incandescent light of the ballroom. She didn't dare say anything-- she was afraid the sensible Mamoru would disappear again, if she disagreed or expressed herself. She was disappointed in much, but it was also a relief to hear it, to finally know why. A real why, not the blame he had been so willing to shift the other night, though he didn't entirely seem to ascribe it to himself, yet, either. But it had been only a few days.

Usagi was stunned by his question. He had so easily accepted her breaking it off the other night, and now this? At least he asked plainly, because if he had not, she would have thought this conversation was nothing more than clearing the air... He really wanted her back?

That raised more questions than answers in her own mind. Usagi bit her lip, looking askance at the guests that were observing them with naked interest, even as security kept a wide berth about them. "We shouldn't be discussing this here. I don't feel comfortable," Usagi finally said. "I don't feel I can be honest with you. Who knows, maybe one of them can read lips," she tilted her head to indicate their audience. Heck, she wouldn't be surprised if security could read lips. "Please, follow me." Usagi discreetly signaled her Agent-in-charge, who quickly made his way towards her.

"Agent Phillips," she greeted. "First of all, thank you for the wonderful job you've been doing tonight. And secondly, I'm going to leave for a bit. I'd like it not to be a big production, and I do not want to be disturbed." He nodded curtly in understanding, and with their help, Usagi was able to slip out of the ballroom without too many observers noticing her disappearance.

She was silent as she lead Mamoru to a small room off the side of the hallway. It looked like a place where some of the ball's coordinators came; there were stashes of extra bits of decoration, a sofa and a television, a recycle bin overflowing with plastic water bottles. It was the closest she could get, if they went all the way to one of the official sitting rooms, someone was bound to notice. At least in the time it took to walk here, she could make some sense of her thoughts and feelings, trying to organize all she wanted to say in response to him.

With a sigh, Usagi lowered herself to the couch. "It's not exactly regal grandeur, but it's private, which is a luxury enough for us these days," she said dryly, gesturing for him to have a seat as well, but grew more serious. "I do understand, Mamoru. I do. But I hope that you understand that that doesn't necessarily mean that I condone your decision. I do believe it was the wrong one. Even before you knew of the circumstances with the senshi's lives in the past... Even if all you knew is that the Shitennou were their enemies... I believe that's reason enough that they should have known. We may just have to agree to disagree on that. They died at D point," Usagi said quietly, her heart stilling at the memory of their broken bodies.

"And while you can only seem to think that that means they would have attacked the Shitennou-- I see women who gave the ultimate sacrifice, whose uncommon valor against a formidable enemy was returned with secrecy. I told you that I thought Khalid was charming, and I do. And I'm sure that the others are just as wonderful in their civilian forms, and maybe that's who they are now, and I would love the opportunity to find out. But I hope you can understand me when I say that when I found out Jadeite had awakened... It was like finding out my sister's murderer had been my fiancé's roommate, instead of in prison. Because they are my sisters. And... I have... dreams about them still. Jadeite in particular, because he was the first, the first real enemy. The others, too. Kunzite is common as well, because that was the time that I lost you to them." What she did not say was that she sometimes dreamed of him in that forgotten state, when his mind was under the power of Beryl. "When I heard he was alive, and you knew about it, I thought I was going to be sick. And I've wondered... Was I ever alone in your apartment with them? Could they listen in on us? How many times I was there and I didn't realize that their very souls were in the same room... The same men who tried to kill me. Can you possibly understand how horrifying, how violating that feels?"

She didn't want to scare him off, or make him defensive again, but Usagi was nothing but honest. If he wanted understanding of his feelings, was it so wrong to ask for the same with her?

"I'm not asking you to apologize for what you felt was right, Mamoru. Feelings aren't necessarily right or wrong, they just are. It's what you did and justified by those feelings that I disagree with. Even so, you may not be asking for forgiveness, but you have it. I hope that doesn't sound condescending. And I'm glad-- you have no idea how glad I am-- that you realized you shouldn't have kept it that long, but you keep saying this phrase, or something akin to it, about the first time, the first year not being the 'right time...' When was it going to be the right time? It wasn't when we died and were given a second chance after Beryl. It wasn't when we broke up and then got together again. It wasn't when we found out about our future together, when battling the Black Moon. It wasn't when we faced Pharaoh 90... It wasn't when you were sick during the Dead Moon, it wasn't after your starseed was taken by Galaxia and then you regained it again, it wasn't after we got engaged, it wasn't after Old Earth fell and I was crowned Queen, and we essentially moved in together here in the Palace. It wasn't even the morning that it came out! When was it going to be the right time? Just like with the dreams, was it ever going to be the right time? Were you ever going to tell me of your own initiative?"

Looking down with a long sigh, she smoothed out the ripples of her gown, weighed down with woe, clueless as to the right words to answer his question.

"I can't say no. I can't tell you that there is no way that we will be together again. If I've learned anything from this, it is that I can't predict these things with any absolute certainty. But I do know this... I have done a lot of thinking, and this secrecy thing is a pattern of yours. And I share in that responsibility because I have never challenged you on it. I hate confrontation, you know that. I always believed it would resolve itself, that as we grew together it would just disappear. That was incredibly stupid and naive of me, and it wasn't fair to you. I should have been clearer about my expectations in that regard.

"But, there are consequences, and I can't ignore it anymore. I can't tolerate any more secrets like that our relationship-- and you have ten years in the habit of keeping them. Ten years means it would be an extremely difficult habit to break. And I can't change you, if that's who you are... And that's another thing. I don't really know you. I don't know who you are. I told you that night, that I saw a side of you that terrified me, and that's true. You showed me it the first time I came up to you earlier to talk about the Shitennou. I'm still nervous, talking to you about them. You have shown me so much anger, so quickly... It frightens me. I don't think that I can tolerate that, either. I don't want to be treated like that. Once was enough."

Usagi stared down at the hands resting on her knees, feeling her shoulders tense up the more she spoke. She was still anxious that he would snap into that persona from the the other night. Perhaps she had dramatized it in her mind, he was calm now, wasn't he? She just prayed he had the heart to listen, to open his mind to her words.

"You have to understand... This is a secret that you have kept so long, from so many people... This is bigger than you and me. It's bigger than even the senshi and the Shitennou. So many people have been swept up into the wake of this, and until these past few minutes you've given me no indication that you gave a damn about anyone but yourself, and the Shitennou. That also scares me. This choice of yours-- or series of choices, perhaps that's more fitting-- has been so polarizing, so pervasive, that is has thrown into relief everything that we ever were, everything we ever had... It's funny, when the truth comes out, to realize that it was hiding behind a lie-- you may disagree, Mamoru, but omission is a form of lying-- everything that I did believe was truth is now questionable. I can no longer trust in it, because I can't trust in you. And trust is the foundation of love. More than just the existence of the Shitennou, you have concealed from me a part of yourself; of who you are as a person. And I can't begin to describe how... how exhausting it is, to find myself in this situation. I feel like I have given you everything, everything that I am, and all that I have in return I now doubt and question. And I am tired. I don't think I have the strength to figure things out, to try and discover what was true and what wasn't. I have chased you for so long that it seemed it was all I could ever do with my life, but there's another option, because running after you hasn't worked. Maybe it never really did, because you never fully let me inside.

"I find myself wondering about things I used to take for granted-- I wonder if I was too young when we found out about our pasts. If I ran after you because it was expected, because it seemed so very romantic, because it was how things were supposed to be. A fairytale, a prince with her princess. And now that I'm ten years older, I've realized that the world doesn't always work like that, no matter how hard I loved you I couldn't conquer your heart, that loving until I was blue in the face never inhibited your free will to keep it hidden from me. I've realized that perhaps because we believed we were destined that we believed it would be easy to love one another, that everything would come to a conclusion with no redeeming action on our parts. That the enemies we would face would always be attacking us, that we couldn't betray each other. I've realized that there's more to real love and a healthy relationship than just emotions... We need common values, trust. We need honest communication, and emotional intimacy, and most of all, commitment to one another. Not a commitment to destiny or what we think we're supposed to end up as. There are things we never addressed, and I've just been discovering them, because of this.

"So-- as it stands right now, no, I don't think we can fix it, I don't think we can be together again. We owe more to ourselves... I owe myself more. I owe Chibi-Usa more. I owe the senshi more, and as Queen I owe more to the people I lead and protect. If we were ever to find each other again, to be together, it wouldn't be because we're fixing things. I would have to get to know you again, who you really are... all of you. We would have to establish a relationship where we didn't keep things from one another. We would have to learn to love each other all over again, and we'll have to do it better. There is so much that we would have to settle and overcome... Years of habits, inclinations of personal character that I think we would each have to address. That's so difficult, I have to wonder if it's impossible. And like I said... I'm exhausted. If that's what you really want to do... That's what would have to be done."

She just sat there for a very long minute, staring into his eyes, wanting to frame this moment in time, because it felt like the end of a very long road. She wanted to lie down and sleep forever, to forget his deep blue eyes and the emotions he could pull out of her heart, like a puppet on strings.

"That's what it would take to... 'make things right.' But, please... Don't ask me to wait for you."

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru nodded quietly in understanding. He had been feeling uneasy with their audience anyway, so he was more then agreeable to move somewhere else. He waited patiently for her to speak to Agent Phillips before following her into the small room off the side of the hallway.

Although he did glance at the room curiously, he was feeling on edge and so he didn’t really pay too much attention to it’s contents. He nodded briefly to her comment about the privacy of the room and lowered himself onto a chair across from her.

A thread of hope made its way through him the moment she began her conversation with the words I do understand, only to be dashed again when she continued with she didn’t necessarily condone his decision. A thousand and one excuses sprang to mind the instant she said that she still believed his decision was the wrong one and the anger that was still very much a part of him as of late started to rise once again. His gaze became chilly for a fraction of a second before her next words about the senshi’s death hit him. His anger disappated as fast as it had come in the face of the pain she was feeling at the memory of the deaths of her friends.

Mamoru simply stared at her as she continued speaking, uncertain how to react or what to say. He could understand what she was saying, he could. He might even agree somewhat that she was right, on the other hand he still really believed that some of what he had said was correct. His mind was running in circles at this point confusing him further on the issues of whether it was right or wrong. Perhaps Usagi was right and they would have to agree to disagree.

When she reminded him that she had thought Khalid was charming and that she was sure that the others were just as wonderful in their civilian forms. He couldn’t help saying just a tad defensively, “Usagi, they were good people in the past as well, before Beryl got to them. It isn’t just their other halves, their souls are good as well. I was under Beryl’s influence once before, but you trusted me when I came back. You knew that I wasn’t like that anymore, that it wasn’t the real me. It’s the same Usagi. I knew that the Shitennou are no longer under he influence, their souls were freed and I trusted them just like you trusted me.”

He fell into an uncomfortable silence when she began talking about her sister’s murderer being his roommate and that she still dreamed of the Shitennou when they were the enemies. It bothered him quite a bit to find that she was still having nightmares about those times simply because he hadn’t ever known that she was still being tormented by those memories. He didn’t know what to say except to murmur softly, “I understand Usagi I do, I just ...” He just what, he wasn’t sure. What could he say to that to make her feel better, nothing really.

Mamoru shook his head in denial of what she was saying next and immediately sprang to the defense of his friends. “They weren’t alive Usagi, they were souls, mere apparitions of what they once were. They couldn’t have harmed you even if they had wanted to, which they didn’t. I called them Usagi, whenever they manifested it was because I called them not because they were just wandering wherever they felt like. Their souls were locked in those stones, it was a prison. They were only doing what they were suppose to do, being my guardians.” He didn’t say anything about whether or not they could listen in on them because honestly he wasn’t certain. He didn’t think that they were entirely aware of what was going on except perhaps in vague notions, but other then that he didn’t know.

Still he had asked for understanding of his feelings and he tried to do the same for her. If the situations were reversed he supposed he might feel the same, especially upon finding out in such a sudden manner like she did. After a moment of uneasy silence he nodded slowly and murmured, “I think I can understand Usagi, at least I’m trying to. I hadn’t thought of anything in quite that manner, but I can understand how it would feel like that to you. I can only say that had never been my intention. I never meant for you to feel violated.”

He relaxed when she continued speaking, especially when she gave him he forgiveness when he wasn’t even asking for it. He shook his head and murmured, “It doesn’t sound condescending Usagi.” Mamoru fell silent once more however when she went on to ask when the right time would have been. He honestly didn’t know, it hadn’t ever occurred to him. Technically speaking it hadn’t ever occurred to him to tell her about the Shitennou. It wasn’t really that he hadn’t wanted to tell her later, it was simply that he hadn’t ever consciously thought about it anymore. It was just something that he never spoke about.

Mamoru shrugged miserably and said, “I don’t know Usagi. I would like to tell you that I would have mentioned them on my own initiative, but I’m trying to be honest here and so I can’t. Perhaps you would have noticed the box one day and then I would have mentioned them, I don’t know. It’s impossible to say how things would have happened if things would have been different.”

Again that thread of hope entwined itself around his heart at her first words, she wasn’t saying no. She wasn’t saying that it was impossible. It wasn’t long however before that hope started to feel a little shaky. He shifted uneasily, but continued to listen quietly.

She didn’t think he could remain open with her, didn’t trust that he wouldn’t keep secrets from her anymore. Wasn’t that what he had been fearing just a few moments ago? That he would hurt her again. She was afraid of him, that sickened him most of all. She wasn’t suppose to be afraid of him, never afraid.

Mamoru nodded miserably, not trusting himself to speak as she said that he had to understand. He remained silent, not interrupting once as she continued to speak. For the second time that night a myriad of emotions flickered in his expression as he continued to listen. Only this time they were even more intense simply because he had purposely lowered those walls of his to leave himself entirely vulnerable and open.

Remorse, misery, self-loathing, and hopelessness were only some of the things he was feeling until finally he heard the words he was most dreading.

No. We can’t fix this. We can’t be together again. Impossible.

His heart felt as if it shriveled and died in that instant, if he didn’t know better he would have been certain that he had shriveled and died in that instant. He had known that he couldn’t survive without her. However, he hadn’t expected how much it would actually hurt to have her reject him once more and in what felt like to him to be such a final way. She wasn’t angry this time, she wasn’t fresh off an argument, she was simply serious and it killed him inside. He didn’t say anything for a long moment, simply sat there trying to register anything beyond the pain. The emotions in his expression eventually faded into bleak despair as he murmured faintly, “I ... I see. Well then I’m sorry to ... to have taken you from your party and your guests. Don’t worry I won’t stand in the way of whatever happiness you can find. I wish you the best ...”

Mamoru rose to his feet and added, “You’ll be missed if you don’t get back. The gossipers will already be wagging their tongues, you don’t want to give them cause to create even worse stories. I trust that you will still introduce me to Khalid at some point ...”

As he waited for her to stand, he kept his gaze firmly fixed on a point somewhere beyond her, not daring to look at her anymore for fear that he’d break down even more then he already was.

[Neo Queen Serenity]

As difficult and tense as this discussion was quickly becoming, it was also cathartic. Mamoru wasn't angry, he was actually listening to her, and contributing... and sharing information. It was such a relief.

"That's good to know," she said calmly as he talked about the Shitennou in the past. "See, I didn't know what to think, because you never shared that piece with me, only that you trusted them now." She did trust him when he was under Beryl's influence, she did welcome him back once he was freed from it-- if only that trust had been returned. They might not be in this situation.

It made feel better to know the Shitennou couldn't manifest whenever they wanted to, though as Mamoru described it as a prison, she felt guilty for her brief surge of relief. But she still felt uncomfortable with the idea that she had been so near without knowing it. It was an ugly feeling, but the knowledge that Mamoru imparted helped to dissipate it

He never would have mentioned the Shitennou and they both knew it... At least he was honest in that regard. She just watched him for that moment, trying not to shake her head. She would have had to find the box to get him to come forward with it? It would always be something she did, some probing or investigative action on her part... In that moment, she knew she was doing the right thing by backing out of this relationship. If he really trusted her, if their relationship was healthy, he would volunteer information instead of her having to chase it down. If she had never initiated this conversation to begin with, she wouldn't know the things he told her about the Shitennou...

Usagi did not anticipate how difficult it was to sit there and look at his expression when the words died on her lips. She had never seen him like this... He was so broken, so abjectly blank and she felt a part of her scream at the sight. She couldn't just stand up and leave, she had to say something, anything...

"Don't be sorry, I'm glad we had this opportunity. We needed to talk about these things, and it won't be the last time, either, I expect, as Zoisite and Kunzite awaken." She was certain they would, eventually. "And you're more important any silly party. I'll introduce you to Khalid now, if you'd like," she suggested with a smile, but he wasn't even looking at her anymore-- perhaps he could not even look at her anymore...

Even after all that she was drawn to him, found herself pulling him into a comforting embrace. She wanted to say that all was not lost, that they still had lives after this end, that it hurt for her too...

"I'm sorry," she managed to get out, tilting her head up to gaze at him. "I'm so sorry. I guess I ask too much of you... our powers are not equal to the task. Do... you want a moment alone before we find Khalid?"

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru nodded briefly when Usagi said that they had needed to talk about these things and that they would probably be doing it again when Zoisite and Kunzite awakened. This however didn’t comfort him any because it only meant that he’d have to talk to her again in the future. He’d have to go through the torment of being right there next to her but knowing that he was farther away from her then ever before. He didn’t know if he could handle that, but he’d promised to keep up a working relationship and so he would ... somehow.

Once again he nodded briefly when he said she would introduce him to Khalid now if he’d like, missing her smile because he wasn’t looking. “I’d appreciate it ...”

Mamoru stiffened warily the moment she pulled him into a comforting embrace and his startled gaze shifted back down toward her. This wasn’t what he had expected. He just stood there stiffly at first, uncertain how to react. Suddenly he returned her embrace, hugging her to him almost desperately for a moment or two.

When she looked up at him and got out an apology, Mamoru gave her a sad smile of regret before reaching up and brushing a loose hair behind her ear. “You’ve never asked too much of me Usako. Don’t apologize, it isn’t your fault ... none of this is.”

With that he pulled away completely, gathering his pride back around himself like a cloak of protection, as he struggled to compose himself once more. It was easy to fall back into the habit of hiding his hurt and despair behind his usual stoic mask. It was far easier to remain distant and cool then to continue being vulnerable as he added, “I’d like to meet him now if that’s ok.”