{Private Journal} Ami's Journal

[Mizuno Ami]

(This is on her computer - not the Mercury Computer! - but is secured with several passwords. Not online.)

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I suppose I should be used to gossip by now. After all, I've been talked about most of my life. Before I met Usagi and then the others, everyone thought I was a snob because I was so shy, and even in college and med school, there was gossip. It just never bothered because I had the girls no matter what happened. It didn't matter what anyone else thought of me.

I guess that's why this got to me so much. It's not just a question of what other people think of me, it's worrying about how Usagi will take it if (who am I fooling) when she hears about it.

So even though my day off started well - spending some time with Rei and Makoto - but then with the rumors (technically, the swim was nice and it was good to talk to Mamoru, even if I feel guilty about it now) and Usagi sneaking out... it has not been particularly relaxing.

I don't blame Usagi for sneaking out. I wish she had grabbed one of us to go with her, but I can only imagine how much stress she's under. I think perhaps we need to try to make sure she gets regular breaks to just have fun. She and the girls did the same thing for me in med school, and without it, I think I would have lost my sanity. We need to do the same thing for her. My next day off, I'll try to write myself into her schedule - even if that means wedding planning or shopping.

I hope she didn't leave because of the rumors. I don't know if I could forgive myself if I was the cause of all this.

I feel badly about how often I'm not here. I know how important it is to Usagi that we all follow our dreams, but I feel like I'm letting the others down by not being around to help out. My residency is only a couple of more months though, and then we can open the hospital wing here.

Anyway, I'll be at the hospital for the most of the next two days, but if I'm needed, the girls can always get a hold of me.

[Mizuno Ami]

I've made a decision. And yes, it was spurred on by that ridiculous gossip rag, but I think perhaps I should have made it a long time ago.

I've talked to my supervising attending and she has agreed to work out a different arrangement for me to finish my Residency in a way that no one can accuse me of using my position as Sailor Mercury to cheat. The conclusion of my Residency will be in getting the Palace Hospital up and running. I need to talk to Usagi about making it a free clinic for anyone who cannot afford health care. Fortunately, I'd already started the staffing search, so I just need to notify the doctors and nurses that we'll be starting ahead of schedule.

I hope I can convince the girls that I'm not giving up on my dreams at all by doing this. I'm more finding a much needed balance between my dreams and my family - and yes, my duty though it's about much more than that.

I'll need to talk to Hotaru about rearranging the shadowing since I'm starting full time at the palace immediately. I'm not sure shadowing me stocking up on things and taking care of furnishing rooms is quite exciting. I hope she's not too disappointed.

[Mizuno Ami]

December 28, 2012/1

I'm so very confused.

I remember. I remember who we were to each other. Everything. Well, maybe not everything. There are moments and details that I cannot quite remember, but I'm not sure that those things matter that much. Of course, since I do not remember them, they might be more important than I know.

But what I do remember... I can't just dismiss it. I loved Zoisite. And he loved me. I believe that he really did love me. I remember how it felt to be held in his arms, for him to kiss me. I remember how he'd smile at me.

I also remember the cold steel of his main-gauche as he killed me. The look in his eyes...

Maybe Rei is right. Maybe all that matters from the past is that. They betrayed us. It is, the more logical position. To say it doesn't matter who they are in this life, they betrayed us. They even fought us in this life.

Yet that's not what I think. I told him, and I meant it, that I want to be able to forgive him. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to, but I want to.

And yes, I talked to him tonight. I went to talk to Mamoru for Usagi, and I wound up asking to talk to him. I shouldn't have. I think I clarified how I feel - I want to forgive him but I'm not ready to yet. But I feel like all I did was hurt him. I did not even ask him what it was that I wanted to ask him. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Mamoru also gave me a name of who he suspects Zoisite is - Zacharie Babineaux.

I did an internet search for him.

He's a star. A movie star and a musician.

I doubt that his "other half" would be attracted to me that way Jadeite's was to Rei or Nephrite's to Makoto.

Maybe I would be best off to.... move on.