1/2PM An Improving Book (Usa/Mamoru)

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru sighed. “I only used the word angry for lack of a better term. I know that it was more then anger, I was ... I don’t know, furious doesn’t sound right either.” He shook his head in denial and added, “I know you told me that Usa, but I’ve never hurt you before and I wouldn’t have hurt you then.” He shifted a little uncomfortably because he knew very well that he had actually hurt her before, when he was with the Dark Kingdom. He had hurt her, tried to kill her, but he didn’t think she’d use that time against him. The only problem was, that night she had ended the engagement he had tried to hurt her then too. Not physically, he’d never do that, not willingly anyway. Words though, they could hurt just as much as a physical blow and he had tried to hurt her with words that night all for the sake of pride. “If I’ve done nothing but solidify your opinion of my behavior, are you afraid of me now Usa?” His tone held nothing but mild curiosity in it, though it was covering a much deeper fear that she might very well be afraid of him.

He glanced around the room warily, very much aware of the audience they had gathered. Mamoru wasn’t entirely comfortable with having this discussion here in front of so many witnesses. He certainly didn’t need the press getting a hold of all of this, who knew what kind of a story they would come up with if they did. However, there really wasn’t any other place to have it in. What was he going to do, follow her home to the palace and have it there? As far as he was concerned, most of the staff were spies for the media anyway. He wouldn’t feel comfortable having the discussion in her car full of her security team either and anywhere else they went would have an audience just like here. Therefore he might as well stay here.

Mamoru rose an eyebrow at her and with just a hint of irritation asked, “Are you suggesting that I seek professional help Usa? I assure you that I am working on the problem, or at least I’m trying. I don’t intend to have another incident like the one at the bar and I’ve already promised not to take out my anger on anyone else haven’t I?” He had trouble sharing his thoughts and feelings with her, someone he really loved and trusted so why on earth would she think he would feel comfortable sharing things with a complete stranger.

He sighed in frustration and said, “Don’t apologize. This is a serious matter. I know I need to work on things and I am honestly trying to do so. If you have any suggestions, I’d be glad to hear them.”

Mamoru fell silent, thinking back and trying to decide the answer to her question. He wanted to be as honest as he could. After a moment he said, “I don’t think so. I can’t recall anything like it anyway, unless ...” He glanced at her warily as he added, “Unless of course you’d count the time I served under the Dark Kingdom. I’m fairly certain I was angry then a lot of the time.”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi tensed a bit. It wasn't visible, but she could feel it. She didn't like how he was minimizing things, minimizing her feelings on the matter. "I didn't think you were going to physically hurt me, no. But you did hurt me, and you did it intentionally. I believe that you chose your words to have an impact, and you were very successful. You were also very dominating, even controlling-- and that more than anything made me uncomfortable. If I hadn't ended things when I did, I'm not sure how much farther things would have gone."

She sighed when he asked if she was afraid of him now. "Right this very moment? No. But I am afraid of making you that angry again, especially since little things have seemed to set you off lately. At the ball when I came up to talk to you about Nephrite, we had barely spoken, and you snapped my head off at first. I don't want to feel like I'm walking on eggshells around you."

Her tension increased at his obvious irritation at her insinuation that he go to someone else, especially since it was followed by him declaring that he had promised it would never happen again and that he was working it. Hadn't those just been things she had been thinking about relating to the cycle of anger? She didn't doubt his sincerity, she just didn't know what to make of any of this. It was definitely a part of him that she hadn't seen before. "I believe you when you say that, but sometimes it's not something you can do all by yourself. Mamoru, I'm really, really very happy that you say you want to share yourself and your feelings with me, and I welcome it, I really do. But I can't be your therapist. Sometimes you need someone who is a 3rd party, who isn't invested in a relationship, and someone that can be objective, to teach you different skills and hold you accountable. There's no shame in it, sometimes we all need a little assistance." Sometimes the stigma for seeking out professional assistance could be intense-- people thought if they did, it meant they were weak, or something was wrong with them, or they couldn't control themselves. Sometimes it was just learning different skills.

Usagi shook her head at him. "Of course I don't hold your time in the Dark Kingdom against you. That wasn't something you could control, that doesn't count." She hesitated before continuing. "Sometimes... Sometimes anger presents itself in different emotions, different reactions. Maybe recent events have brought it out more intensely now, but do you sometimes feel tense, annoyed, superior, drained, jealous, frustrated, agitated, disappointed, suspicious, competitive or inconvenienced? Those are often presentations of lower levels of anger that go unexpressed and build up over time. I mean, anger is natural, it's mismanagement of it that causes problems. Mismanagement often is presented in social and emotional withdrawal, or passive-aggressive behavior, or even cynicism and sulking."

Here she was, saying that she couldn't be his therapist and yet she was drawing on her psychology degree to get into this discussion. Usagi promised herself that she'd only take this so far-- she'd talk about it with him, but she wouldn't try to help him with this issue. It wouldn't be appropriate, he would need an unbiased counselor for that.

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru listened patiently, trying hard to keep from getting upset at her words. Everything she said was the truth anyway so he didn’t really have to right to get upset over them. “I know what I did Usa, all for the sake of my pride. I’d give anything to be able to take everything I said and did away, but I can’t. I’m never going to be able to go back and change that night. I’d tell you that I didn’t mean any of it, that it was all only said in the heat of the moment, but I know that wouldn’t help anything.” He shrugged uneasily before asking, “You say you weren’t sure how much further things would have gone if you hadn’t ended it. I don’t understand, just what do you believe might have happened?”

He glanced at her uneasily before murmuring, “At the time, the Shitennou was a touchy subject. I can’t help feeling the way I felt Usa. I knew very well that all of you considered them to be enemies at one point in time. I wasn’t at all certain of how you would react and I wanted them back Usa. Once I’d gotten Jadeite back, I wanted them all to return. They feel like a part of who I am that I’ve been missing for longer then I even knew. I can’t continue to apologize for my behavior Usa. I know that I was wrong, but continually saying so won’t ever make things better. I know that. I don’t want you to feel like your walking on eggshells around me though. I just don’t know how to fix that.”

Mamoru sighed in frustration before saying, “I don’t want you to be my therapist Usa, that’s far from the kind of relationship I want from you. I know that there isn’t shame in asking for assistance, or even going to a professional. I just don’t know that I can do that, but if it’ll make you feel better I’ll think about it.”

He relaxed immediately when she said she wouldn’t hold the Dark Kingdom against him. He hadn’t really thought she would anyway. That just wasn’t the kind of person she was. However, the moment she continued talking he tensed up again. This was definitely not the kind of conversation he wanted to be having in the middle of a coffee shop with an audience. Mamoru had no wish to wake up tomorrow morning and find this conversation written up from a reporter’s view in the paper for the world to read. There was after all such a thing as sharing too much, being too open and vulnerable.

He glanced uneasily around at the other people sitting at the tables, some of which were pretending not to be curious. Turning his attention back to Usagi he muttered uncomfortably, “Doesn’t everyone feel those things at one time or another Usa?”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

"I don't know. Things might have gotten more heated, I might have said a few things that I would regret, you might have gotten angrier. I'm just glad I chose not to go down that path," she said simply.

She nodded as he went off on how the Shitennou were like a missing part of him, or whatever, and how he kept saying that they were ever so important to him. More important than me? she asked him silently. Mamoru had treated her horribly because of them, from his anger, to keeping the secret, to even biting her head off when she had approached him, trying to help with the matter. She couldn't help but wonder what he considered his priorities to be. Of course, now that they were broken up, she could no longer expect to be number one in his life. But before...

"It's your life, Mamoru. You need to deal with things in a way that will be appropriate for you," Usagi replied calmly. "But let me make myself explicitly clear when I say that you shouldn't expect me to be a part of that life, if anger is going to be. I'm sorry to have to put it so plainly, but it's true. It's a big part of why I left you... And there is no chance I'll come back if it remains."

She followed his gaze around the room, noticing his discomfort. Usagi had been feeling uncomfortable talking about these things for quite a while now, and dearly wished they had been having this conversation elsewhere. She only prayed that most of what they had been saying hadn't been picked up or written down by people. She stood, gathering her purse and wrap as she did. "Let's finish this in the car. This isn't the appropriate setting."

[Chiba Mamoru]

Mamoru nodded, accepting her words but not knowing what else to say. He would like to say that nothing like that would have happened, he would have calmed down and things would have been alright. No matter how much he wanted to say it however, he couldn’t. She wouldn’t believe it and truth be told neither did he. He was very much aware that he hadn’t been shaken until she had handed him his ring back. He hadn’t really felt much past his anger and pride, certainly not sorry, until is world had been jerked out from under him.

He glanced away from her silent question and sighed softly. He wasn’t handling this conversation as well as he’d like. He hadn’t meant to suggest that she was less important to him then they were. The Shitennou weren’t more important to him, they were just important in a different way.

Mamoru finally looked back at her, holding her gaze clearly. “Despite the way I’ve been acting as of late, there hasn’t ever been anyone now or otherwise that I’ve valued more then you. Were the senshi more important to you then I was or vice versa? I doubt it. I’m sure we were each important to you in different ways. That’s pretty much how I feel about the Shitennou. I know that I haven’t been acting in a way that would suggest that, but it’s true whether you choose to believe me or not is certainly up to you.”

He paused a moment, trying to find the words he needed. “Usagi, I can’t tell you why I reacted the way I did because I don’t know. Perhaps ... perhaps I just took you for granted. You’ve always been there and I guess I just always assumed you would be no matter what happened or what I did. That was wrong, I know that. I can’t begin to tell you how much I’d like to make the last week disappear. To have a chance to do it over again, the right way, but as I said earlier I can’t.”

Mamoru listened quietly, swallowing down his anxiety at her words. “I understand,” he whispered, his chest tightening. His first impulse was to plead with her not to say such things, to tell her that he wasn’t angry, to insist that he could and had changed. Sorrow jolted him straight to his soul as he realized that his hopes of restarting their relationship was going to be an even bigger battle then he had anticipated. He only hoped that it wasn’t an impossible fight. “Don’t apologize for stating the truth.”

He nodded in agreement and stood, tossing their trash away and picking up their bags as he did. Once again he glanced around the room warily before saying, “That’s a good idea ...”

[Neo Queen Serenity]

Usagi briefly wondered how he had managed to read her mind. She took in his words, and nodded again, though slower this time. He said that now-- but actions spoke louder than words. She supposed she would see how far he was willing to go.

At least he was able to accept her statement without fighting back or arguing with her. Usagi was relieved, especially when he agreed to leave with her. As she turned to head out, a voice came over the intercom:

"Attention all customers, it is now 9:45. Our store will be closing in 15 minutes. Please make your final selections and take your items to the check-out counter to be purchased. Thank you."

"I guess we're just in time," Usagi shrugged. She really hoped that there wasn't as big of a crowd outside the store as there was the restaurant, though she would be silly to think that there wouldn't be any. As she approached the doors, she could see the paparazzi and rolled her eyes, bracing herself to head out.

"The car is a better place to talk, but I don't want to go back to the Palace," she found herself whining to Mamoru. It was too liberating to be out and about, she dreaded going back to the stress there.